The First Girl I Ever "Loved" … a Tale of High School Heartbreak

I put "loved" in quotation marks because I don't really know if it was actual love or confused early teenaged feelings. Either way, it was rough
  1. Her name was Christina. Most of this tale takes place during 10th grade (1997/1998), but portions go through to graduation.
  2. I first met her in 9th grade student leadership. She went to the other junior high, so we only started going to school when we got to high school
  3. I thought she was nice, and I thought she was cute. I never really felt that about anyone before. But, we didn't really have any other class together, and I didn't really know her well
  4. We started talking a little bit by the end of 9th grade. I also started to become friends with a few people that she was friends with.
  5. 10th grade we were in a few classes together and we started to become actual friends.
  6. We sat near each other. We started talking a lot. She stayed after school every day to update the message board for the school.
  7. (You know, like these kind)
  8. So, I stayed after too. And after she was done, out friends would play Magic the gathering while she and I would sit on the side and chat and do homework.
  9. And she'd hang on me.
  10. Like, hang. And hug me. And hold me. And cuddle.
  11. We had a school trip to Boston, since we were in the honor society
  12. We sat together on the 5 hour bus ride there
  13. We did all of the tours together.
  14. We ate together
  15. On the way home, we sat together and she put he head on my shoulder for a few hours
  16. I felt my stomach tingle and this new feeling that I've never felt
  17. When we got home, we started talking more
  18. We got each other's phone numbers
  19. We called each other every night and talked til we went to sleep
  20. She hung on me alllll the time
  21. We would write each other notes!
  22. Like these kind!
  23. So, I thought it was love. At the very least, I thought she would be interested in being my girlfriend
  24. So 18 years ago today, December 17, 1997, we went on a school trip to see phantom of the opera on Broadway. Again, we sat together on the way there. We had lunch together. It was magical.
  25. It was also her birthday!
  26. She said she couldn't think of a better way to spend her birthday than Broadway and lunch with mt
  27. She hugged me and said she loved me
  28. She loved me! And I told her I loved her.
  29. So, when we got back, I asked her out.
  30. It was exciting.
  31. It was scary
  32. Then she said she would have to let me know tomorrow …
  33. And we talked that night like normal. No mention of it. We did end the conversation with I love you, though. Good sign?
  34. The next morning, I met up with her like always. She gave me a piece of lavender flavored candy
  35. And she told me she didn't want to go out with me bc she didn't want to ruin he friendship
  36. Wait. What?
  37. We love each other. We act like a couple would act at that age
  38. How would it even be different, except better!
  39. That was also the day before we had 2 weeks off for Christmas/New Years break.
  40. First I had to get through her birthday party at her house. So awkward. I got her a nice Disney snowglobe. She got me a nice wizard shaped candle.
  41. I thought those two weeks would be good bc I could distract myself.
  42. NOPE! I got the flu for the first time in my life
  43. From 12/22-12/27 I couldn't get out of bed. Missed Christmas with the family.
  44. She called every day. As if nothing changed. Inside, I was sad and couldn't even keep the sadness away bc I was so weak
  45. She invited me to see titanic with her when I was better. Just me and her
  46. And called it a friendship date.
  47. A what?
  48. She ended up going with a different guy friend while I was still sick, so she said never mind
  49. I saw it with my brother and sister the following week. I still think of the overwhelming sadness whenever someone refers to titanic
  50. Haven't watched it since, btw
  51. The rest of the year went like that. Notes. Phone calls. Every day after school hanging on me. Always saying I love you. Doing everything together.
  52. In April, we had a big dance to celebrate that we got our class rings. I went alone. She went alone. She said she'd save me a dance. Then, they played KC and Jo-Jo, All My Life. And she slow danced with her crush. I left the dance crying. Couldn't handle it.
  53. Then summer came. She was busy. I started working so I was busy. We didn't see each other or talk much
  54. 11th grade I decided I couldn't do it. She was leading me on. I told her how I felt. She went nuts.
  55. How dare I say that about her? It's not her fault I fell in love with her
  56. She made that year hell.
  57. Our Trivia challenge team that had won our high school tournament the last two years, she got me kicked off. She told everyone she would make their lives hell if not
  58. No one wanted get to do that. She had a way of annoying you if she chose tk
  59. My friends apologized, and I kinda understood.
  60. Senior year, I only had her in one class. The last one of the day. Thank god
  61. I didn't see her much. She dated one of my best friends. Weird. But it didn't interfere with my life. I had new friends and worked a lot and was okay.
  62. I kept those notes though. And after graduation, I burned them all at my friends graduation party. It felt liberating.
  63. I added her on Facebook a few years ago. She lives on the opposite coast now. She's happy in life. We exchanged pleasantries. I hold no ill will. I can't believe it, as I had such strong feelings at one point.
  64. But I still think back on December 17, as I wish her a happy birthday. I wonder if she remembers all this …