I guess I've been thinking a lot about friendship tonight, as is evidenced by my last list and this one …
  1. I am 33 years old. In these 33 years, I have had numerous people that I considered good, sometimes best friends vanish from my life with no explanation.
  2. The biggest surprise was my friend Pete.
  3. Pete and I became friends in the 10th grade. November, 1997 to be exact.
  4. Pete and I were roommates on a trip to Boston with the national Junior honor Society. I had been in a different room, but those guys were very mean to me and I needed to get out. So I was able to swap to a different room
  5. We became close quickly. We found that we like the same music and movies. We had a lot in common. And we became good friends. I got him a job with me at Baskin-Robbins in 11th grade.
  6. We both became managers at work, I drove him home a lot because he didn't have a license yet. We went through a lot together.
  7. I can say without a doubt that Pete was my best friend from 1998 through 2009. Like, hang out twice to three times a week kind of friend.
  8. We supported each other 100%. When I hang up and left and moved to South Dakota for a girl, he helped me pack and give me a little bit of cash to help me.
  9. When he decided to move back from college midsemester one year, I drove up and helped him move his stuff back.
  10. I got engaged in January 2009. I had an engagement party in the summer so that my groomsman could all meet each other.
  11. Pete RSVPed, but he didn't show up. I haven't spoken to him since.
  12. Now, he's OK. He's friends with me on Facebook. I shouldn't say I haven't spoken to him at all. I sent him a message on Facebook about two years after that. He never responded.
  13. He came shopping at the Petco I worked at one day. It was strange, because I'm friends with his wife on Facebook as well, and she gave me a big hug right away.
  14. He stood back. I'm going over to him, asked how he was doing, said it's been too long. He agreed. He said we should get together soon. That's the last time I talk to him. That was a few years ago.
  15. So, why did he leave? It bothers me every single day. I think about it all the time. We've never had a fight in our entire friendship.
  16. Then, there is Lindsey. She worked with me at Petco in 2011. Her and I became good friends pretty quickly. Our friend Samantha, her, and I went bowling one day. After that, Lindsey and I hung out probably once a week for two years.
  17. Even after she left work, she would meet me after my overnight shift every Friday, and we would go to IHOP before I went home and slept.
  18. She loved my daughter. She would hang out with me and my daughter to feed the ducks and go to the aquarium.
  19. Honestly, if she wasn't a lesbian, I probably would have gotten feelings for her. We got along so well, were into the same things, and she loved my daughter. It would've been perfect. But alas, she had no interest, so I left it at that.
  20. When my wife left, Lindsey and I hung out even more. She was there for me when not many other people were. We went to movies, dinner, drove around, look at Christmas lights. We did everything we could to take my mind off things.
  21. I was also there for her during a similarly tough break up a few months later.
  22. Lindsey was the kind of friend that I always had to initiate hanging out. I would text her once a week telling her my schedule. She'd tell me if she could hang out. I always felt like I was annoying about it. But that's just my anxiety being stupid.
  23. Well, it kind of dwindle down. I would text her, she wouldn't be able to hang out that week. Then the next week we would make plans and she would cancel.
  24. Then, after a while I stopped asking every week, switching to every other week, monthly, until it just went away. It wasn't worth getting disappointed so often.
  25. When I left Petco, she texted me congratulating me for getting a better job. I said hopefully maybe we can hang out one day soon. She said that sounds great. That was in September. Haven't talked her since.
  26. And now, Alexis. Alexis and I were close. Very close.
  27. Alexis had a boyfriend. I had a wife. We worked together, almost every shift. She did the overnight trucks with me. We would get breakfast together, have dinner together, text a lot.
  28. There were many times when we would just have fun for hours just sitting and talking. We both like the same shows, we loved the same comedians, the same kind of music. She was my closest friend from 2012 until this summer.
  29. After my wife left in summer 2013, Alexis was always there to lend an ear. We no longer worked together, as I transferred to a different store, but we still hung out and went to movies and had a lot of fun together.
  30. I kind of started to get feelings for her, but she had a boyfriend so I never said anything. And then she moved to Alaska.
  31. Her boyfriend sister lived in Alaska with her husband who is stationed there with the military. Alexis went to school there last year, because they have a great conservation program and she went. Boyfriend went with her, obviously
  32. Alexis had to come home early, out of nowhere, but her dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I actually drove to the airport to pick her up, because no one else could. On the way home we listen to music and laughed and try to forget about the horrible thing that was going on her life.
  33. Treatment helped, and he got better. So she went back. And then, last Christmas, about a year ago, she called me in the middle of the night crying. Her boyfriend broke up with her. In Alaska. Because he felt like maybe he needed to see other people before they settle down. They've been together for seven years.
  34. Her dad has gotten worse again, and there was no point in her staying there. So she came back again. She came back in April. At this point, everyone who worked with me, and everyone who worked with her, kept suggesting that we just date already. We clearly both get along, we'd make a great couple, and it should happen.
  35. I was all for the idea. She, on the other hand, seems to get super annoyed whenever anyone said it to her. I never told him to say it. But they thought that they were doing a nice thing.
  36. If it was mentioned around us, she would say to me that she loves our friendship and didn't want to mess it up. I've heard that before. I just accepted it.
  37. Then, she got tickets to go see Aziz on his book tour in Philadelphia. She immediately said the other ticket was for me. We planned an awesome road trip. We listen to mouse rat songs. We called it our treat yo self 2015 day.
  38. We went to Cracker Barrel on the way there. Which, you have to do on a road trip. She loves history as much as I do, so we went to the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. We went and saw Aziz. He was amazing. We stopped at Pats cheesesteaks on the way home, so that we could have amazing original cheese sticks.
  39. While we were waiting for Aziz to come out, I bought tickets for us to the oddball comedy festival, headlined by Aziz and Amy Schumer.
  40. It was a pretty magical day. We both had an amazing time. I got overzealous. I asked her a couple of days later if she would consider going on a date with me.
  41. She said she was flattered but she really liked the friendship as it was and she didn't think it would be a good idea for us to date.
  42. I said that's fine. I expected her to say it. But I would've felt like I missed an opportunity if I didn't at least ask.
  43. The week before the comedy Festival, she found out that she had to go bridesmaid dress shopping that night in Connecticut. It was the only time she could go. So she bailed.
  44. I haven't seen her since. I actually haven't seen her since Philadelphia, mid July.
  45. We went from texting regularly and hanging out a good amount to no texting at all.
  46. She got promoted at work, and did tell me that it would be hectic. If I did text her to ask to hang out, she was always too busy.
  47. I wish her a happy Thanksgiving, she said thanks you too. That's about it with her interactions. I also noticed that on Facebook, her boyfriend moved back from Alaska and they're dating again.
  48. But he never bothered me in the first place. We've gone out to dinner all three of us plenty of times. So I don't think that's what she's avoiding me
  49. So what is it about me? Am I bad at friendship? Do I come on too strong? Am I the kind of person who bothers people to be my friend so much that they don't want to anymore?
  50. It worries me. I mean, my marriage didn't work but her and I actually stayed better friends then any of these people. At least they talk to her regularly.
  51. I like to think I'm funny, fun to hang out with. People always seem to have a good time when I'm with them. The three friends that I do have always enjoyed themselves. I'm not even much of a downer, even though I'm always sad.
  52. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to be better at this? I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to feel that anymore. Most of my time is spent alone, and I think about these things because maybe I wouldn't be as alone if I didn't mess these friendships up somehow.
  53. At least with Pete, I asked him why. I just never got an answer. I feel like if I asked Lindsey or Alexis, they won't admit that they just disappeared. They'll just have been busy.
  54. I don't know. I just don't know