DISGUSTING THINGS ABOUT MY REFRIGERATOR

It is 12:33 on a Friday night and I would rather pierce Harrison Ford's other ear than go near my refrigerator.
  1. The hair to ice ratio is 5:1
    How does hair get into your freezer, let alone an ice tray? Is this not a vacuum sealed device? I was under the assumption that once the door was closed, we were as close to an airlock as that one Battlestar Galactica episode I saw when Apollo screams "It's Starbuck!" Sometimes there is hair in my drain after I shower but I do not vigorously shake my head in the direction of the fridge. Yes, the lack of ice is on me. But the surplus of hair is on someone else, maybe Roger Rabbit and Baby Herman.
  2. Soy Sauce Mountain
    Sometimes there are over 500,000 packets of soy sauce in my fridge. That is cool with me. I am so down with this its not even an issue. I'd like this much soy sauce in packets and still have a bottle just in case. But if there is one packet of Duck Sauce in Soy Sauce Mountain, I would rather move than keep it in there. I would rather burn the house down and lose my collection of ALF posters than have that in my fridge. Duck Sauce is a personality test. Don't be the duck.
  3. Bread ends
    Book ends are v helpful in life as they keep books up straight. The ends of a loaf of bread are like that last pair of underwear you only wear if you have to do laundry and have already addressed every other option like going to work in an elaborate toga. I'd rather eat cold cuts individually by the slice than put them on the ends of a loaf of bread. If you see someone pull out a sandwich and the bread is the ends, call 1-800-COP-TIPS bc you just found Jack the Ripper. Congrats and run.
  4. That Onion
    I don't know one time I made tacos and bought an onion but only used a piece of it bc how much onion do you even need? A taco is like 85% meat, 7% cheese, 3% guac, and 1% misc. The fridge has a drawer that keeps things crisp so I put it in there. It's prob like a vacation for an onion to be in there. What do you even want out of life, onion? Situation prob worked out better for the onion than me tbh.
  5. Books
    My ex-gf was very afraid of bed bugs and she heard that they will die in the cold so anytime she spent the night in a hotel she'd come home and put all her books and mags in the fridge. The first time I came over her house I realized she didn't have any books. I said "do you read?" She said "yes" I said "where are your books?" She took me to her freezer and there they were. I don't actually keep my books in the freezer bc if her story is true, why would I want dead bedbugs by my frozen pizza?
  6. Cheese Stuff
    Some teacher tried to tell me that milk is made into cheese but whatever I don't believe anything I learned in school bc they only taught us MS Dos on computers and not even Windows 95 or higher so it's all a scam. I have like 7 different kinds of cheeses in the fridge and none of them aren't American. I ask my guests do you like white or yellow American or slightly less yellow American or slightly darker white American cheese. In the end, all the Americans meet in the middle what a country.