THINGS I'M THINKING ABOUT WHILE WRITING A EULOGY FOR MY GRANDMOTHER

  1. Boyz II Men has a ton of really sad songs. Boyz II Men's Greatest Hits is perfect mood music. Even when Motownphilly hits, it makes you remember that in the face of death we must have fun and celebrate life. Although I'll Make Love To You is weird for inspiration...a good song to take a break.
  2. My grandma would've hated anybody talking about her. She would have hated anyone mentioning her actual age. She would've hated us telling people she knew that she's gone. I can hear her saying, "don't tell them I'm dead, it's none of their business" and it makes me smile.
  3. The last conversation I had with my grandma last week was all lies. It was me making plans with her that I knew she was never going to be able to keep. I don't know if that is brave or cowardly. I'm not sure it even matters.
  4. I keep thinking about her, remembering everything good and fun and sweet and getting lost in my thoughts for 20-30 minutes. Some memory will really make me happy and I'll think, "I should call her to talk about this," and then remember why I'm thinking about her in the first place.
  5. I'm going to read this to a room full of people tomorrow and I want to do a good job and honor her memory but then disappear right after and not have anyone talk to me about it or bring it up.
  6. I don't know what to say to anyone when they tell me they're sorry for my loss. I keep saying "it's okay" but that sounds dismissive to me even though I don't mean it to. Maybe just "thanks" will do. Maybe I can get away with it being awkward bc nobody ever knows what to say.
  7. My daughter isn't even three yet. She knows she's going to see a lot of family tomorrow. She asked if her great-grandmother is going to be there, too. I don't know how to explain death to her without using Disney movies as a baseline.
  8. The thing about saying everything to someone while they're around is not a cliche. I'm heartbroken that she is gone but there wasn't any unfinished business. It makes this so much easier to do.
  9. I'd rather write fun lists but this is okay, too.