Give yourself a mental edge!
  1. Locker room etiquette
    Be as naked as you can in the locker room. This will give you a mental edge when you are in business meetings later that day. It's like the fear of public speaking advice about picturing the audience naked except you just took your naked self and jammed it into their brains. While you're making valid points in the boardroom, they'll be thinking about how you sat on shared bench without pants or a towel.
  2. Proper gym attire
    It is super important to wear the correct clothing. You want your shorts to be as short as possible. This will free your range of motion up so that you can really get down into those deep bends. Make sure you get the correct size as well. Nothing baggy. Anything tight enough to show a proper imprint of your junks through underwear. Remember, your nudity is a weapon, even a hint of it. Someone goes to pick up a weight, sees you, and drops the dumbbell on their foot. Guess who just got promoted?
  3. Motivational music
    The right tunes can set the tone for your whole workout. If there is a headphone jack and communal speakers, get right in there and hook up your sweet playlist. I recommend alternating Limp Bizkit's Rollin' and Eminem's Til I Collapse. If the sound system isn't available, get a pair of Beats By Dre headphones, I know they're costly but this is your health, you don't want to cheap out on that. Make sure you turn up the volume so everyone can just make out the lyrics.
  4. Exercise selection
    Pick a routine that incorporates several different complex exercises involving three to four different pieces of equipment at once. The rule of real estate applies here, location x 3. The more you're taking up, the better your workout will be. Any exercise that involves unrolling several floor mats at once or jumping rope in close proximity to a coworker's face will also do the trick. Yoga poses involving standing on your head and possibly falling over or showing excess skin are a plus.
  5. Proper weight lifting form
    When lifting weights, the proper form is the following equation: for every rep you do, stare at yourself in the giant mirror for that many seconds. While lifting, it is vital you grunt loudly. This opens up passageways in your muscles that wouldn't normally feel the workout. Once you're done with the weights, drop them on the ground with as much force as possible. Post workout is equally important, you should be flexing into the mirror often for a fuller and more realized burn.
  6. Be social
    Talk to everyone you see there about the following things: how you haven't seen them in the gym for a while, how they must not be that busy at work to be at the gym so often, whatever sporting event is playing on espn over the gym TVs, Limp Bizkit's Rollin', how their workout could be improved in five or six different ways, why free weights are better than machines, why doing cardio isn't an efficient workout, and UnderArmor.
  7. Cleanup
    You've just spent an hour and a half down at the gym working out midday. But you're an important person in this establishment and you need to get back to your desk to make things happen. Don't worry about unpacking the weights or wiping benches down, your time is better spent getting back to business.
  8. Post workout pump
    You look your best right after a hard workout. Make sure to get a few more flexes in the mirror before heading back to the locker room. Grab your muscles a few times to make sure they're still hard. Spread your stuff around every open surface in the locker room to make sure you've got all your gear. Don't shower but still strip down completely. Apply lots of baby powder and really layer it on there so it's floating around. One final full body pose and you're ready to get back to work. Great job!