The Only 7 Things You Need to Know About the Orlando Shooter. Really. I'm Serious.
“More details emerge” “Here’s what we know” “So-and-so may have” Okay, well, first — details don’t “emerge.” They’re not chicks in eggs. You gotta look for ’em. You gotta dig deep. Well, not really.
- •He read a magic book, and somebody in his Magic Book Club told him it was true.Doesn’t matter which magic book. Everybody’s got a magic book. And everybody’s magic book says the same thing, to wit —
- •Women are wicked, shameful, less-than.(The only Magic Book Club started with some positive ideas about women is the Sikhs. But they were so close to the Hindu Magic Book Club, geographically speaking, it bled into their Magic Book Club — and today the Sikhs are awash in one of my favorite oxymorons, “honor killing.”)
- •Because women are wicked, shameful, less-than — any man who wants to be *like* a woman is so foolish as to be disgusting.Plus an LGBT man might want to have sex with you—or worse, you might want to have sex with him — so add a little fear and self-loathing in the mix. So LBGT women who want to be *like* men are so foolish as to be disgusting, too. They’re impudent. They’re literally pretenders to the throne.
- •Kill 'em.If you can’t kill ’em, beat ’em. If you can’t beat ’em, beat ’em down. Oppress ‘em. Says so in his magic book. Your magic book, too. “But we don’t believe that anymore,” you say? Not like *his* magic book? Well, someone believed it so hard they *wrote it down*, and somebody still believes it enough *not to remove it* from your magic book right now.
- •Kill all of 'em. Or a lot of 'em, at least.Just about anywhere else on Earth, to kill a bunch of people all at once, he'd have to build a bomb. He'd have to have access to explosives, which he wouldn’t have. (He didn't even have that in the U.S.) Or he'd have to know how to do something besides read his magic book in his underpants every night. He’d have to *know how to build a bomb*. But —
- •In the U.S., getting an automatic weapon (or semi-automatic, which in this case, is like being semi-pregnant) is waaaay easy.
- •Rinse and repeat.No matter how many more "details emerge," it won't get any more complicated than this.