1. I found poop in the bed. Not sure how long it has been there.
  2. If pregnant women knew how much they would have to bounce with their new borns they wouldn't move for their last trimester.
  3. There isn't enough spit-up on the sheets to change them.
  4. When listening to Dispatch's "Two Coins" the wife sang to the kid and added a bit to the lyrics; see if you can pick out the additions: "I want bones like iron, blood like mercury, which is NOT in the vaccines you will be getting next month."
  5. I would totally take a picture of this cute face but my boob is in the picture.
  6. I'm gonna let gravity help you poop.
  7. Just like I wouldn't say a kid was ugly before I knew he was cute, I don't want to say anything about misbehaving kids now.
  8. I just found some popcorn in my iPad.
  9. Ok, we'll take your pants off
    Not mine.
  10. He just spit up across his body and past the towel I put out for his poop. We got to wash the sheets.