1. I am a bad sleeper
    Some nights I don't sleep at all. I NEVER sleep 8 straight hours. I know this, by itself, is killing me
  2. I have sleep apnea
    I am the most violent snorer the world has ever seen. I snore like a fat, old smoker when I am actually none of those things (well, I'm starting to be kinda old). This will weaken my heart and kill me, right?
  3. Every night I bite the side of my tongue in the same spot while I'm asleep
    This constant trauma will eventually lead to cancer, right?
  4. Drinking.
    Seems fine when I'm awake. When I wake up at 230 am because I've bitten my tongue AGAIN it seems like what's obviously gonna kill me (full disclosure: I'm having a greyhound as we speak)
  5. Parkinson's?
    I've had tremors since I was a little kid, but now when I yawn at night (particularly on nights where I can't sleep at all) my whole body gets these big, loose floppy slow tremors that feel SO satisfying. I am sure this is some pre-Parkinson's shit right here.
  6. My palms and soles of my feet itch
    Not at night and only for the past 3 days, but this also means I'm dying, right?
  7. Sigh.