1. Some intercourse
    Or a beej or whatever fun multiplayer thing makes your body happy
  2. A smile from someone you love
    Best ever if it's someone you're IN love with, including children, tho they'll suddenly start demanding shit and throw off your whole perfect morning.
  3. A percocet
    At first I was gonna say 'this is only if you're not a junkie' because then it's more of a special treat, but I guess if you ARE a junkie, there's no perfect morning without a Percocet. Regardless, a painkiller will fix your hangover right up, just don't be an idiot. They're super bad for your liver, and there's nothing I hate more than going to funerals, so be a goddamn grownup.
  4. A cocktail
    What, mother? Can't a gentleman start his day with a Percocet and a cocktail without getting that stankeye?
  5. Sitting on a porch in lovely weather
    Where else are you gonna enjoy that cocktail?
  6. Letting the world burn around you
    It's your morning. Just chill. Panic doesn't solve anything. Doesn't fix your tomorrow and ruins your today on top of it
  7. A good dump
    Shhhh. Let's not pretend this isn't crucial. Every single commercial about breakfast that talks about "starting your day off right" is secretly about taking a dump. Word to the wise: Percocet counteracts this, most important of all necessities
  8. Nothing to do later
    You're wasted on the porch in your underwear. You'd best not have anything to do.