1. "If you don't want eggs, I can serve an oyster on your face."
  2. "Way to go all of you...One day at a time..like building a house..One brick at a time. Pretty soon you've built a palace... A palace filled with hardcore ass pounding dvd's!"
  3. "I think I may run the race with my cock out. I would only do it to distract other runners - they'd be wondering how I'm balancing an acorn in a birds nest on my crotch."
  4. "Haven't jacked it all week while away on vacation. .just put nyquil in family's hot coco.. time for some xhamster."
  5. "Snow, snow and more snow... can't wait to shovel!" ... "You got a blower?" ... "Not since I married her."
  6. "Why can't pizza be good for you? Damn it!"
  7. "It's creepy when you take pics of me sleeping."
  8. "My diet is Cheerios for breakfast, can tuna for lunch, then regular dinner... No bread unless it's part of a delicious pizza once a week... I've stopped drinking soda... Tons of water throughout the day... Lots of jacking to granny porn."
  9. "Those eff-ing Girl Scouts must be stopped!! They hit you up during the holidays when you're feeling charitable then they deliver in February just when you're hitting your stride and seeing results from your resolutions."
  10. "'Shallow Hip Sockets and Flattened Femur Balls' - my next mixtape."
  11. "If I was reading your text and had no idea who it was from, I would swear you had a shaved vagina sir!"
  12. "Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Special on CBS... Some guys job was to evenly apply bronzer to this models ass!!! How the fuck do you get THAT gig?? ... And now they're playing volleyball while music from Top Gun plays... Ratings should beat the Super Bowl."
  13. "I've got schmutz on my schmata."
  14. "Remember - pink wrappers in the bathroom can means you'll be using your hand."
  15. "Sorry I'm late. Had this thing called a meeting at work. We sit around tables and talk about doing work instead of actually working. And how come 90 minutes is a short meeting yet I'm told the same 90 minutes is a long lunch? Double standard."
  16. "Hey whats your pin #. Im just taking a survey."
  17. "Anyone want my petrified tissue collection?"
  18. "Young lady at deli making my egg whites needs her ass eaten. Just sayin'."
  19. "I think we should forget this 10k and half marathon bullshit! Let's just run a lap around Joey."
  20. "I'm gonna drop my man lard all over your ass."
  21. "And you could benefit from a taint bleaching."
  22. "Let's all get some cheesecake, bang Kenny in the vagina and call it a day."
  23. "OK let's chill for a while..no more texting..spend the rest of the evening with family or saying a novena or watching some young babysitter getting her face plastered by some chocolate monster..enjoy."
  24. "Ask the Dr. if u can hold his nut sack while he's cutting u. That will keep him honest."
  25. "I think my cock must of eaten some bad shellfish last night..little guy was puking all night."
  26. "What is it with these old bastards at the gym that refuse to wear a goddamn towel? This guy is 70 if he's a day, has a towel draped over his shoulder approaches another dude who is laying flat on his back in the sauna. He's got his shriveled prune looking weenis right in the other guys face! He does have a nice cock though."
  27. "I wish somebody would invent a time machine already."
  28. "Anyone else only spank to Latina porn yesterday in honor of cinco de mayo?"
  29. "I'm naming my next dog "old man" so when it's barking I can yell "shut up old man!!!" right in front of my father in law and then tell him I was talking to the dog."
  30. "I do so love to pass a large, firm, stool."