30 OF THE BEST TEXT MESSAGES I'VE RECEIVED...

  1. "I was planning to wear something retro to the reunion then I realized I'm still wearing the same kind of stuff."
  2. "Remember, you can fool all the people sometime and some people sometime but fool me once shame on me. "
  3. "I didn't dry hump her did I?"
  4. "Saturday was great. It reminded me of that time we all got drunk and made asses of ourselves."
  5. "I like Ass."
  6. "Where's Mike? Getting oral from a giraffe?"
  7. "Amish porn stinks. They refuse to use any modern conveniences so it's all drawn by hand. Total waste."
  8. "God bless you and your liver."
  9. "My diet these days consist of a hearty serving of Asian school girls with pigtails...good for the prostate."
  10. "You know you've been married a LONG time when the guys locked up in Guantanamo fucking Bay are getting laid more than you! WTF?"
  11. "Or maybe she'll just let me watch her take a dump. Heard she likes that now."
  12. "Maybe that was just bad cheesecake he was feeling?"
  13. "I hope you nearly drowned in your own frothy ejaculate."
  14. "I'm spanking every one of those asses. I'm such an angry perv."
  15. "Only good thing about Mark Sanchez is that he nails serious ass." .... "Yeah, with his face."
  16. "I'll make a map of Hawaii on her chest."
  17. "She's giving him the cold backside." ... "Like a sherbert sphincter."
  18. "Have you guys ever tried missionary position? You know something, its not that bad!"
  19. "Why did my phone correct "dude" to "mouse". Wtf??"
  20. "Me: for Christmas I want a Lamborghini Santa: be realistic Me: ok, for Christmas I want to have sex with my wife. Santa: what color do you want your Lamborghini?"
  21. "Trying to work & this retarded banter is majorly distracting."
  22. "I'd eat a mile of her ass just to see her corn."
  23. "I'm gonna drop protein all over your face."
  24. "Just arrived at Mass. Scouting the Easter Keister."
  25. "No judgements here, I once jacked it to a cake topper."
  26. "How about I do push ups while you lay face down under me?"
  27. "The old guy at the Runners Shop knew waaaay too much about sneakers. Dude had a boner talking about arches. Did a digital scan of my feet, gave me the stability shoe, then diddled my brown eye in the changing room."
  28. "Rent Rectum wreckers III. I won't ruin the end for you." ... "Sounds like more than one end gets ruined in that one!"
  29. "9:00 Saturday night... takin' a dump at Target... jealous?"
  30. "Love old hams."