ANOTHER 30 OF THE BEST TEXT MESSAGES I'VE RECEIVED...

  1. Don't confuse early dementia with love of nudity
  2. So just let me introduce myself, My name is Humpty, pronounced with an umpty Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee.
  3. His scrotum gets irritated at bedtime from the urinal he keeps between his legs.
  4. I've been taking hot yoga with the wife. So much fine tail, hard to focus on my downward facing dog.
  5. Haven't stayed in hotel in years..I usually fuck my crack whores in alleys
  6. Is it wrong to ask my doctor for a prostrate exam every time I see him? Like even at our grammar school holiday concert?
  7. I was jacking to chick's in flag bikinis
  8. I've been eating so many bananas lately that last night I started throwing feces at my family...
  9. I can have stink ass all weekend and blame pop pop.
  10. "Walked in on my father-in-law the other night, cock out watching Fox News." ... "So he's a Republican then?"
  11. I vow I will never have a conversation about the condition of my penis and/or ball bag with my daughter. EVER.
  12. What's up with these Asian chicks that like getting orgasm massages from Asian dudes in doctor uniforms? I need to buy some scrubs and Charlie Chan glasses!
  13. Wife had me folding laundry. Last night I folded my daughters thongs. Wrap your head around THAT!
  14. If I come home with a crusty chest it's a good night!!
  15. Love Rusty Staub... As well as a good Rusty Trombone
  16. Anyone else think Keith Hernandez might be gay? He always comments on a player's build and just called some guy a horse! I swear I could record the audio and put it over gay porn music... not that there's anything wrong with that.
  17. Who's Harlan Coben? Does he write letters to Penthouse Forum? If not then I probably haven't read any of his stuff.
  18. I remember spanking it for the first time to Lynda Carter in 1978. Her and Cheryl Ladd put me through puberty... and put my sock laundry pile thru the roof!
  19. "So I've got this friend and he says his ball bag has gotten bigger than his pecker and. Um. he wants to know if this is normal what should I tell him?" "How long has this fella been teabagging you?"