Things I wish I could say to you
Inspired by @nikkilounoel
- •You shouldn't ask a writer not to write about youOf course I will write about how Courtney Barnett was blaring from your phone when you grabbed my thighs and slid me down the bed to you. How when you finally touched me all I could think was, "thank God". If I could write about this for money I would. Fuck a personal essay. I would create an anthology: Every Word You Ever Said To Me. And I would sell it for thirty five bucks on Amazon Prime. Do you remember when you told me we could never really be just friends? I can't not write about you.
- •The reason I delete everythingBecause it's all trash. Because it's all true. Because I care. Because I don't care at all. Because things have changed. Because everything is temporary. Even us. Because I'm worried it's gonna blow up in my face. Because it was too pure for this world. Because it was too dirty. Because it was too dumb. Because it was too painful. Because you asked me to. Because I second guessed myself. Because I wanted to. Because I was scared. Because I felt better.
- •I've already lived 100 futures (don't worry, only two of them included you)Maybe it's a girl thing. It's probably not. I would hate to put this on a whole gender. So let's say it's not. It's a me thing. And let's forget that I'm a girl. Even though it's hard to ignore because gender politics are pervasive and I'm constantly reminded that I have a pussy and eggs that are going to start drying up soon if I don't get a move on! But in my head I'm always in love. I've been married 20 times. I've been divorced at least 10. I've had 800 babies. I've died peaceful deaths.
- •Where I stand (for future reference)A little out of arm's reach, like if you wiggled your fingers you could ALMOST touch. I'll stand here until you ask me to move in closer or until I decide to run away. For the record, you've never held me in your arms.