I'M SURE. I DON'T WANT CHILDREN

It's unbelievable how much people question this choice, especially when most parents make it look so awful.
  1. I didn't like kids when I was one
    I started reading early and had to discuss my books with adults. I've always liked being clean, having some alone time, and eating my vegetables. I also never really wailed out loud. Even as a child, I never understood temper tantrums.
  2. I have other stuff to do
    I'm a creative person who needs to wander off and write for hours and days. I don't have unlimited time to be a caretaker for another human.
  3. I still don't feel comfortable around children
    I never want to hold the baby, I don't think they're cute. They look like partially formed humans to me, like the thing in Eraserhead. My uterus doesn't jump when I see one, but I would adopt 100 dogs.
  4. "You're not a woman until you've had a baby."
    Seriously, screw these people who say this smug line. I'm not a child, I'm an adult, who has made what is probably the more rational decision about this matter. If I'm not a woman, kindly pay me back for all the tampons.
  5. "How will you fill your life?"
    I'm usually asking how to empty my life. My calendar looks like a Jackson Pollack painting. Between work, school, my band, comedy and Storytelling, I'm lucky I can brush my teeth.
  6. Who can afford it?
    Childcare costs as much as a salary. College is insanely priced and then there's all the food, clothing, braces in between. I don't know how anyone does it.
  7. We are doomed
    Why would I want to have a relative of mine live in Mad Max times? Through the constant inability of the human race to take action, the planet will be rid of us soon. Newborn gifts may as well come with rafts and survivalist kits.
  8. Transferring information down a generation?
    I've got that covered. I'm the cool aunt who took my niece to rock shows at 11 because she's always been super mature. I schooled her in good music and horror movies. Cool aunt is the best role.