REASONS I WAS KICKED OUT OF MASSACHUSETTS

Fine. Some of my friends miss me and I miss them. But the state and I didn't get along and I didn't let the door hit me in the Masshole on the way out.
  1. I don't give a crap about sportsball
    Sure, I used to go to Bruins games occasionally, but that was a fight that broke into a hockey game. I don't care who is playing, where they've been traded and I certainly don't want to spend 30 hours a week on it.
  2. I'm allergic to beer
    It took me awhile and a horrible allergy test to figure this out, but I'm allergic to beer and I don't care enough about beer to care.
  3. F**k foliage. Seriously.
    "Don't you miss the seasons?" No. I don't. You mean how 49% of the year is 10 degrees Fahrenheit with 2 feet of snow on the ground and another 49% is 95 degrees with a billion percent humidity? No. I'm cool.
  4. But what about LOBSTAH, KID?
    1 tablespoon salt water + 1 tablespoon butter = seafood. Never liked it. Any of it.
  5. No thanks, giant Catholic family
    Finish high school. Marry the least horrible option. Breed. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Die. No. Thanks.