Your Tinder Woes Explained

I'm always skeptical when dudes (and dudettes, I guess) complain about getting 'ghosted.' As a serial ghoster, here is a list of reasons why you deserved it. 👻
  1. 1.
    Conversation is like tennis — but you're catching the ball and holding it hostage.
    If your part of the conversation reads like a transcript of a lie detector test, consider yourself ghosted, my friend.
  2. 2.
    You ended the conversation.
    "A good woman cooks for her man" is as good as a farewell for me. This goes for more offensive statements too, like, "I just want to find a good wife and settle down forever."
  3. 3.
    I'm too high to explain why you're awful.
    And I'm not about to let you harsh my mellow.
  4. 4.
    "Uh, okay?"
    Seeing a question mark after the word 'okay' is like getting a black spot handed to me. Nothing I could say would ever truly convey my rage and frustration.
  5. 5.
    You've expressed distaste for everything I do, wear, and say.
    And yet you still message me every day. And you're inevitably going to bitch the loudest when I stop responding.
  6. 6.
    We'd be better off just fucking, but I'm not sure you're not a serial killer yet.
    I'll still mourn The Dick That Almost Was.
  7. 7.
    We started talking during the day.
    Sometimes I get fucked up on that nice person façade we all use when we're in the company of people who pay us money. Now I'm two glasses into the night and it's a choice between dashing your dreams or fading away into the ether. If you think about it, I'm actually a hero.
  8. 8.
    Talking to people online is weird as fuck.
    Maybe I'm in that odd generation where I'm too old for this shit but still young enough to enjoy mobile dick delivery. (Or whatever genitals you care to bring, I'm not picky.)
  9. 9.
    I like you. A lot.
    I shouldn't have to explain this one. You've seen my pictures. You can guess what my relationship with my father was like. I feel like this one is on you.
  10. 10.
    You shouldn't be taking this seriously in the first place.
    Tinder is to relationships what mixtapes are to rappers: you have to get the right hook to the right ears — and quickly. I'm the Dr. Dre of dick pics, motherfucker.