THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO NOW THAT I'M 40, SINGLE, AND CHILDLESS

  1. Handicap spots at Wal-Mart
    Those are really close to the 2 for 1 muffins
  2. Cancer
    If it's good enough for Bowie it's good enough for me
  3. Being paralyzed in a car accident and then living on government subsidies for the rest of your life
    So much more time to write lists about tv with you guys!
  4. Picking out my favorite pair of tri-focal wrap around sunglasses
    Gotta stay active
  5. Being Eaten by Wolves
    This doesn't come up in the news very much. I'd like to bring it back.
  6. Getting taken in by phone scams
    Why did I bother trying to make money my whole worthless life when I could just give it away to Nigerians?
  7. Falling down a lot
    My damned walker doesn't work right so I threw it away!
  8. Senior Slam at Denny's
    I hope they take diner's club cards
  9. Inheritance tax
    Someday my parent's crushing debt load will all be mine.
  10. Root Canals
    I may never visit the Panama Canal but this one seems lovely this time of year