What Happened After I Saw the Movie Keanu in Theaters

  1. I was sitting around waiting through the end credits for what I expected would be Key and Peele leading a group of prisoners in a George Michael style dance number. I got bored of waiting for the credits to end and looked around. I saw that there was only one other person left in the theater.
  2. It was an older black man, and I went up to him and speculated about a possible dance sequence in the credits.
  3. He either didn't hear me, or ignored me, but either way he was formulating a theory of his own.
  4. "Do you think one of the guys in the film was played by LaDainian Tomlinson?" He said to me.
  5. I was a little surprised to hear him say something so seemingly out of left field and responded "There's just no way."
  6. The man did not like this response. His head twisted to the right and he raised one eyebrow and curled his lip.
  7. "Why do you say that?" He wanted to know
  8. I was taken aback. I realized that I had made a definitive pronouncement to a total stranger but I was not yet ready to back down.
  9. "He's not an actor" I tried to explain. "And I just think I would have heard if he was in this movie." I did not want to add that I had been playing fantasy football for over 10 years and had a working knowledge of former legendary San Diego Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson. I thought my simple explanation would stand up.
  10. "You don't know that" he said, getting rather indignant. "He looks exactly like one of the gangsters in the film."
  11. At this point I realized I was in a losing situation and tried to profer this explanation as a way of apologizing "Well maybe he looks different now."
  12. "No he doesn't!" The man shot back angrily. "He looks exactly the same."
  13. By this point we had exited the theater and were in the lobby when he suddenly stopped, reached in his pocket for his phone and said "Let's settle this"
  14. He went to the internet and found this well known picture of LaDainlian Tomlinson that we both looked at.
  15. Getting nervous, I attempted to agree myself out of it and looked him right in the eye. "You're right. That definitely could be him." I said throwing my hands up in the air in defeat.
  16. He walked away, and I paused for a moment relieved that it was over when I looked up and saw him turned backwards against the hordes of movie watchers going towards the exits. "That could have been LaDainlian Tomlinson!" He pronounced definitively and loudly.
  17. I don't know what else he wanted to get out of me. Maybe he was just mad at being challenged by some jerk.
  18. During the movie, I drank one of those giant blue slushees they sell so with my bladder nearing capacity I headed to the bathroom.
  19. It was walking to one of those bathroom entrances that split left and right with little room for more than one person at a time and almost stepped right into the guy as he was leaving.
  20. Yes, it really was the same guy. In the short amount of time it had taken me to collect my thoughts he had already been to the bathroom, peed, zipped up, probably hadn't washed his hands and was now glaring at me as if I had just told him his son couldn't play on the high school baseball team because of bad grades.
  21. Without missing a beat he issued this challenge "Do you even know who Method Man is?" He said, referring to one of the main cast members of the film we had just seen together.
  22. I knew this one. "Sure" and grinned at the notion that this guy thought he was talking to a white guy that didn't know black people. "He's in the Wu Tang Clan"
  23. He made an emphatic "hmmpph" sound, shook his head giving me one final epithet. "At least you know somethin." Then he left
  24. After i went to the bathroom and headed to my car I was still a little nervous that he would pop out at any moment or that I might back into his car or some other nightmare scenario to end this little tale that I realized I was in.
  25. But nothing else happened, except for the sinking realization that I would now never know if there was a George Michael dance number during the end credits of the movie "Keanu".