This was my bid in 2007 to appear in @McSweeneysLists. I think they had stuff like "letters never sent" back then. It didnt make it there but was published in a small print only Mississippi publication called "The Oxford So & So". Back then i only wanted to be published and I didn't care where. I believe this is the first time I've put it online.
  1. Dear criminals:
  2. It may seem at first that you have taken a great load off my mind with your removal of my children Bryan, and Bitsy. Lately they weren't really doing their after dinner chores and were beginning to backtalk me a little bit more than I am accustomed to for which they have both received a swat on the mouth, extra dog walking duties, and a thorough
  3. mouth cleaning with my own personal home remedy brand of soap
  4. However, despite their general unruliness, I have no doubt that if allowed to properly grow up they will eventually earn a proper place in society and be respectful and polite at all times
  5. Probably you have them bound and gagged in a dark and musty room right now in some place where I will never find them. I bet when you let them out they scream things like, "I want my mother" and "I'm hungry!" That last one is a personal favorite of mine. I heard it a lot actually, but I want you to know no children of mine have ever gone hungry.
  6. My own father slaved away many a year in the salt mines to put food on our plates and we never complained about the gruel and cold beef that we had to eat. Believe me we had many chances to, but or mother warned us in vehement tones to never disrespect our father or she couldnt be responsible for the consequences.
  7. Assuming that you one day return my children I will probably realize later that it was a beneficial experience for them. You are arming them with the knowledge that one day their parents won't be there for them.
  8. This is a tough lesson to learn, and most kids don't learn it until their parents pass away of which, God willing, me and Arthur have many years left
  9. Are you at least bathing them properly? A mother worries about these things you know. It seems that every time I packed them off to school with a banana and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch that they had dirt behind their ears.
  10. I know they scrubbed there the night before. I inspect their ears thoroughly before each meal so as not to allow diseases to come into our home and infect our poor golden retriever Rufus, who is sadly currently suffering from a bad case of the gout.
  11. I bet this is some mistake that I trust you will clear up for us. Most likely, you meant to kidnap the children of the rich family, the Franks, down the block - the dirtiest and most unruly kids I ever met. I never let Bryan and Bitsy play with them.
  12. I fear they will start putting on airs and want to go shopping for clothes more often than my and my husbands meager budget will allow. I still clip coupons to my local department store. How could you possibly want any money from me?
  13. Or is this one of those elaborate pranks I always hear about? The children are always hollering that other kids have it better than them and threaten to run away. They usually get about halfway down the block before i coax them back with ice cream. However, it does cause one to wonder just what goes on in the minds of those children of mine.
  14. Have they paid you to do this to teach them a lesson? Or is this one of those reality shows I often hear about but don't have time to watch because I teach cross stitching at night?
  15. I hope it is not. Television seems to me to be altogether too polluted with filth these days, always poisoning children's young minds and teaching them that they can have whatever they want if they just pester their parents enough.
  16. And the language on some of those shows! You should hear it. Always talking about mothers and filthy things they want to do to each other. It's a wonder the whole planet doesn't implode.
  17. So, supper is getting cold and I don't like looking at these empty plates that I have on the table to remind me of them, so if you could find it in your heart in some way to return them before bedtime, it would be greatly appreciated.
  18. Love, Mom.
  19. Static
  20. Static
  21. I read this to a writers group and they didn't know it was satire. Staring at me agape and pondering what to say. I was annoyed that they didn't love it and held up the book and said "well it's published so thats that" Then they were super apologetic.