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Because the prime minister saw the United Kingdom Independence Party as a threat about four years ago, he committed to a referendum on membership of the EU, a political and economic union of 28 countries. Ukip has since withered, largely due to the incompetence and repugnance of its leadership, but the referendum remains.
  1. I am European
    Europe is where I'm from. My dad had his DNA tested and our Y chromosome is Pictish, so my male ancestors have lived in Scotland for at least 2,000 years. The small stretch of water between England and France does not mean Britain is not Europe, any more than it would mean the Isle of Wight is not Britain. England is ruled by people who think continental Europe is peopled by tribes of varying degrees of inferiority, and that European solidarity is an affront to English dignity.
  2. I like immigrants and immigration
    England has been travelling remorselessly to the right since the crash of 2008. Those intending to vote Leave this month appear to be motivated by a wish to be around fewer foreigners and are ignoring economic arguments that our society can't function without them. We're an ageing population and we need immigrants to replace the babies we're not having. Our health service, for instance, is dependent on foreign workers. I don't want American-style healthcare. I can't afford it.
  3. Britain ruled much of the world for centuries and it's a bit rich to close our doors now
    We've spent a long time bragging about our wealth, apparently unaware the world knows it was stolen during the empire. We prefer to think of our material comfort as a function of our innate, benevolent genius, rather than skill in plundering and exploitation. It's breath-takingly hypocritical to sit on a mountain of stolen wealth and advertise it to the world, while accusing foreigners of coming here motivated by greed.
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  1. So all that sex wasn't for nothing after all
  2. We can't keep a cactus alive but sure, let's try a human being
  3. Some time next year there will be a tiny person who, through inexperience and lack of perspective, will worship me like a god. How long can I maintain that illusion?
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  1. A lot of open mikers don't know the structural difference between a joke and just reciting a thought they had. If you're not making the audience try to guess what you're about to say, then surprising them, it's not a joke.
  2. If you persist long enough as a failed comedian, you'll get to run an open mike night and set yourself up as an embittered gatekeeper for aspiring comics who have yet to fail. It's easy to identify this man as he will be 20 years older than anyone else in the room and make cringeworthy jokes about being sexually attracted to his daughter's friends.
  3. The presence of an actual stage, as opposed to an area of the floor, makes a huge difference to a comic's level of confidence and, I suspect, to the audience's estimation of the performer.
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  1. I have no followers
  2. Having no followers causes me to reflect on my lack of status in society, both online and off
  3. I'm jealous of B.J. Novak
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