1. America's Next Top Model
    Girl who has never dyed or cut her hair above the shoulders and cries hysterically at makeovers.
  2. America's Next Top Model (cont'd)
    Girl who stands there like an idiot during any makeup challenge then picks up something obvious, like mascara, and says, "umm what is this?" No one takes pity on her because seriously, who doesn't know what mascara is!
  3. Project Runway
    I hot glue and tape the majority of my outfits, designers with skills (whether trained or self taught) hate me and I'm out by the end of the third episode. A team challenge has me thrown under the bus and no one understands why I'm there and why I keep describing my style as classic but also could be worn by a wizard in the muggle world.
  4. The X Factor
    The contestant with so much heart and effort but no talent. Sharon Osborne and Louis Walsh laugh so hard at my audition that I make it to boot camp. I slip through to the six chair challenge but my mentor sadly informs me that they just can't give me a chair. I come back as a judges save by Sharon. I last three weeks on live shows before unanimously getting booted during a sing off in which I sing Mariah Carey's version of "Take a Look at Me Now." The judges call it ambitious.
  5. America's Got Talent
    Heidi tilts her head while she queries, "I just don't understand, making small talk is not a talent? Are people really going to pay to see this?" Four ❌'s and I'm booted during auditions.
  6. The Bachelor
    The talking heads on the first episode all say the same thing about me, "I really think that Elizabeth might really just be here to make friends, she hasn't spoken to [bachelor] all night." [Bachelor] is intrigued and I stay around attending group date after group date amicably as The Who-Is-She-Again? until the final seven or so.
  7. The Bachelor (cont'd)
    I tell all my Bachelor conspiracy theories to the cameras, girls, [Bachelor], producers, and anyone who will listen until they claim I have a boyfriend at home and that I'm not there for the right reasons and [Bachelor] apologetically asks me to leave. Tabloids and social media are trying to find existence of a boyfriend in my past to ride this weeks Bachelor Scandal Publicity but no one can find anything cause there's literally no dating history.
  8. Any cooking show
    Time is running out and I stare at my crock pot willing it to do 8 hours of work in the next thirty minutes.
  9. The Celebrity Mole Season with Dennis Rodman
    I try to talk to Dennis Rodman the whole time and pay no attention to anything else. I pass my tests each week because I'm a really good test taker until the producers are sick of me and rig the scores to get me out.
  10. Survivor
    The contestant who doesn't know how to swim and is voted off after basically doggy paddling/drowning the first challenge causing the team to lose.