A Great Track Record
  1. Christopher (Ages 5-6)
    Neighbor, school bus seat partner for exactly one day until we got made fun of for liking each other and I never took the fcking bus again. Still neighbors to this day
  2. Another Christopher (Age 6)
  3. Allison (We Were Children Idk)
    Looking back, definitely. We used to pretend we were horses and gallop around my basement. We were #ThoseGirls. Also pretty sure she's also gay today so that's pretty neat
  4. Riley (Second grade-ish)
    Only developed a crush after someone told me he liked me. He won the D.A.R.E. essay contest and read his paper in front of the class and his commitment to the straight-laced lifestyle clearly had me hooked. Fabricated purely out of convenience
  5. Tyler (Age 7)
    Again, only because he told me that he liked and admired me. He chose me as his role model when he was Student of the Week™. So I guess if you ever want my affections just tell me that you dig me idk
  6. Dominique (Like middle school)
    Definitely thought she was pretty but also kind of a bitch. The possible beginning of my long streak where I found obnoxiousness to be attractive. Not my finest hour(s)
  7. Another Christopher (Age 11)
  8. Conor (7th Grade)
    *FIRST BOYFRIEND* - dated for 9 beautiful days, culminating in a text message breakup by me because my mom said I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. I bet she's eating those words today
  9. Rachel (Ages I don't fcking know)
    First girl crush that I can remember acknowledging as such. We danced on the same team for a long time and she never really ever talked to me. Cool!
  10. Michael (Ages 13-15)
    Don't date straight theater boys you guys. At least not in high school. There won't be enough space for you, him, and his head in the same room