THE PARTS OF A STORY ABT AMERICA'S DRUNKEST COCKTAIL CONFERENCE THAT MADE OUR FEATURES ED. PEE-LAUGH

(Our features editor is @hels and she is ok with you knowing this very private thing about her.) Read the whole story, "What I Learned at Tales of the Cocktail" by memoirist Gwendolyn Knapp, here: http://www.eater.com/2015/7/2/8884877/behind-the-scenes-tales-of-the-cocktail
  1. "[I] still considered vodka something to be chugged warm from the bottle at a house party while friends set fire to the bathroom trash can or went to the ER with an arm sliced open by a machete."
  2. "Here it was, my fourth day in town, and somebody was already setting my drink on fire at eight-thirty in the morning. At work."
  3. "With her stained capris, worn tennis shoes, and cigarette-stained skin, she reminded me of the women I’d worked with back at the cookie factory — ladies who lived in trailers and played cards on the weekends, their bottle-blond hair long hardened by the stinging White Rain of life. "
  4. "Women from Southern media outlets wore hats so large they looked like cat beds with feather toys poking out the top and downed the complimentary rum punch and questionable onion dip. One of them attempted to pull a chair out and sit, landing fat-bottomed on the floor, a small Chihuahua flying from her enormous zebra-print purse."
  5. "There are parties with cows you can milk to make your own Ramos Gin Fizz, parties with burlesque dancers and unicorn ice-cube sculptures, mime midgets on stilts...
    ...and other things you’d expect if somebody handed an event planner $200,000 and said, 'Make it look like Gatsby does hallucinogens and wakes up in a spaceship with King Tut, a case of vodka, and some monkeys that have just discovered they have nipples.'l