My Fictional 80s Squad
In an alternate reality I was a minor pop star celebrity in the mid-1980s that included two major top ten hits and one minor hit. Subsequent singles and albums totally flopped (though I'm still quite popular in Japan). Nowadays I make a living touring in those "Like, Totally 80s! Reunion Festivals!" Here is who I hung out with back in the day.
- •Bananarama (Cruel Summer era)Really Siobhan was my favorite. Sara and Keren were nice enough but once they hit it big with Venus it all went to their heads. Then Siobhan left and they stopped returning my calls. Those bitches.
- •The cast of Facts of LifeObviously. Kim Fields and I were tight. Actually, all of us were super close! Nancy McKeon even invited me to her wedding (but sadly I couldn't make it. I sent her a Mr. Coffee machine as a present. She loved her Folgers!)
- •Stacey QStacey and I were tight back then and still are! You know that gay porn movie she was in? I was dating the director at the time and she begged me to get her the gig. She thought it would be hilarious! Totally was. Of course the director ended up being a total cokehead. Oh well. Life lessons!
- •MartikaI still get chills when someone sings Toy Soldiers at karaoke. Not just because of the nature of the song but because Marty (that's what all her close friends called her) wrote that song for my ex-boyfriend (the porn director). He finally cleaned up his act after he heard her song. Now THAT is the power of music!
- •Desperately Seeking Susan era MadonnaMadonna was already huge. But she didn't even know how huge she was back then! It was all so new to us. She was actually really sweet. Sean Penn was the beginning of the end though. She moved onto to bigger things once she dumped him and I kind of got lost in the cutout clearance bin.
- •Mallory Keaton from Family TiesNot a lot of people know this but Justine Bateman was a TOTAL method actor. When they were filming Family Ties she basically became Mallory and never broke character. It was actually really fun to hang out with her then! But I think Michael J. Fox and Tina Yothers found it kind of annoying. Tina always forgot and would call her by her name Justine and she would never answer. Finally Tina would remember and yell out "Mallory!" and Justine would just turn around acting surprised and say "what?"
- •Cyndi Lauper (circa She's So Unusual)My friendship with Cyndi caused a lot of tension because she knew I was also friends with Madonna and they had this "MTV rivalry" between the two of them. I never told Cyndi when I was hanging out with Madonna and vice versa. They pretended I didn't have those friendships and it worked out OK. Though it got really awkward at the 1987 MTV music awards show. I ended up ducking out to the bathroom at one point because tensions were high.
- •Debbie Gibson (before she became Deborah Gibson)She was just a 15 year old girl when she released Only In My Dreams! So. Cute. I actually styled her album cover, so you all can thank me for the trendy oversized blazer with massive shoulder pads and stirrup pants look. Fun fact:that bolo tie was actually a last minute addition from my own collection. It makes the ensemble doesn't it? But the hat was totally her idea! She loved that hat.
- •Aimee Mann circa till TuesdayOh Aimee! She was dating this total abusive jerk who never treated her right. She would come over and talk to me about how he hated her hair and fashion choices. I was all "You gotta be you! Leave that bastard!" And then I told her to write her pain into songs. Little did I know my advice would lead to her big break out hit Voices Carry! I was so proud of her!
- •Nick Rhodes of Duran DuranEveryone was either swooning over Simon or trying to buddy up to John. But really we all know that Nick was the bad ass New Romantic style setter. He and I would swap eyeliner tips and lament how there weren't any real brands out there for men. We still text now and then. He's a little pissed that Billie Joe Armstrong and Adam Lambert made guyliner so popular.
- •Kate Bush circa Hounds of loveOh KaTe! She's just as kooky as you imagine her to be. Running up big rolling hills in her huge flowing dresses, snuggling up to Weimaraner dogs and singing about clouds. I'm so glad she decided to get over her fear of performing in public. And I'm also glad she left her miming days behind.
- •Kylie Minogue on NeighborsHer hair was just awful on that show! She would constantly complain to me about it but I told her it really fit her tomboy character Charlene. She told everyone that she was leaving Neighbors to concentrate on her "music career" but (just between you and me) she really just got sick of having the frizzy hair and having to wear overalls all the time. She swore she'd never wear them again and then ran out and bought a flat iron! She's never looked back.
- •Kate Jackson right around the Scarecrow and Mrs. King showI was a little in awe of Kate Jackson when I met her (she was my favorite Angel) but she was so nice to me! She was really trying to break away from Charlie's Angels and was excited about doing the Scarecrow and Mrs. King project. I actually had a guest appearance on one of the episodes early on (before my pop single charted) and we stayed in touch. I even asked her to be my guest for the American Music Awards but she had health issues and had to skip out. I took Stephanie Zimbalist instead.
- •Max HeadroomWe always made fun of his stutter but he didn't care. Max was super chill. I still feel bad about it though.
- •Molly Ringwald (circa Pretty in Pink)Molly was a bit of a princess but we mostly got along. She had terrible taste in clothes though. That Pretty in Pink dress? Totally her idea and design. Those cutout shoulders and puffy sleeves! I tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn't listen.
- •Joan Cusak (circa Sixteen Candles)Back then, people always tried to use Joan to try to get to her more famous brother John. But Joan could figure you out in a second! She never gave those social climbers the time of day. That said, I found John kind of boring but absolutely fell in love with Joan. We still snapchat back and forth now and then. Just silly things about cookies and cats. She's the best!
- •Suzanna Vega (Luka era)Don't be fooled by her plaintive earnest voice. Suzanna was a party animal back then! She was always ordering shots for everyone. And that damn Tracy Chapman was such an enabler, goading her on. The day after was never pretty. But Suzanne always bounced back. She was such a professional. Never missed a show no matter how hard she partied the night before!