Star Wars for Beginners

Fulfilling a public list request from @originalamericantrt. Hope this is what you want. My partner @AJ is obsessed with Star Wars and I'm all "they're fun to watch" but because of his obsession, I know more than need to know about it. Here's a crash course in what you need to know if you are clueless or need a refresher on Star Wars.
  1. The Force
    Basically this is magic. They made up some mumbo jumbo stuff about it being weird micro organisms called midichlorians to help explain how it works but ignore that. It's basically an all encompassing power across the galaxy that certain people can tap into to do things like levitate, telekinesis, read minds and control weak minded people. So yeah, basically it's magic. And like magic, there is a black magic equivalent referred to as The Dark Side.
  2. Lightsabers
    Weapon of choice by Jedi and the Sith. They are basically laser swords. The color of the lightsaber actually mean something but that's getting into super geek territory. All you need to know is red is what the Sith use.
  3. Jedi
    Magical space knights that use "the Force" to help keep peace around the Galaxy. They are the good guys.
  4. The Sith
    This is an evil Jedi. There are only two of them. The Sith Lord and the apprentice. Both of them usually go by a "Darth" name. So Darth Vader is the apprentice and his master was Darth Sidious, otherwise known as the Emperor Palpatine. They are the bad guys.
  5. The Empire
    This is what the Galactic Republic used to be but then was turned into an Empire once the Sith Lord took over as Emperor. It is evil. It is the man.
  6. The Rebels
    All the folks that hate the Empire and are fighting against it. Power to the people! The 99%. Occupy The Empire!
  7. Luke Skywalker
    The hero and savior in the original trilogy. Kind of whiny. He is late in learning that he has The Force in him. He eventually gets his hand cut off. Used to be a farm boy. Got trained by Yoda in the ways of the Jedi. Finds out that he's the son of Darth Vader and brother to Leia Organa. But not before he kissed her once which totally freaks people out whenever they see that scene.
  8. Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker
    This is Luke Skywalker's father. As Anna Kendrick pointed out in Pitch Perfect, his name literally means Dark Father in Dutch (or German) so everyone should have figured this out but they didn't. He's the main villain but eventually redeems himself thereby bringing balance to the Force. He's dead.
  9. Leia Organa
    Hard and tough Princess that fights better than her brother Luke but strangely doesn't get a chance to explore her own powers of using The Force. Was once forced to be a slave to a giant slug and wear a golden bikini outfit which has resonated with all straight guys since. Eventually hooks up with Han Solo.
  10. Han Solo
    A swashbuckling neutral party that is pretty much only looking out for himself but then gets roped in to the Rebel cause. He's the resident "bad ass with a heart of gold" character. Falls for Leia. Pilot of the "piece of junk" ship The Millenium Falcon
  11. Chewbacca
    This is Han Solo co-pilot and he is a Wookie, which is basically an outer space Sasquatch/Bigfoot. He understands English but only can speak in grunts. Hans Solo understands him though and I guess eventually the rest of the characters learn Wookie-speak because they can understand him too. But they all speak to him in English.
  12. Obi-Wan Kenobi/Old Ben
    A former Jedi master that is hiding out on the same planet that they put Luke to hide him from his evil father. He comes out of retirement to fight Vader and help train Luke. He's dead.
  13. Yoda
    A cute green Jedi muppet that is strong with The Force. Trains Luke on a swamp planet. Is friends with Chewbacca. Speaks in weird reverse syntax (Luke, strong with the force you are!) for no apparent reason. He's dead.
  14. C-3PO
    An etiquette droid. Basically he's a mincing queen that runs around exclaiming how horrible everything is. He is also a translator, fluent in over 6 millions forms of communication. He is a bit of comic relief and also acts as a chorus explaining things to folks. Was in all the movies.
  15. R2-D2
    If C-3PO is a flaming gay queen, R2-D2 is a butch lesbian that basically fixes everything with his built in toolkit. The 2 droids are inseparable from each other.
  16. Boba Fett
    A bounty hunter. Actually he's kind of a minor character but a fan favorite. For some reason gay men love him. He is after Han Solo for a big bounty that is a subplot that has nothing really to do with the main story. He's dead.
  17. Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious
    A senator that conspires and eventually takes over the entire Galaxy. Darth Vader was his apprentice. Eventually Vader revolts and kills him. So he's dead.
  18. Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (New Trilogy)
    You meet a really annoying kid named Anakin. The Galactic Senate is a political mess with a lot of quarreling. If you look closely, you'll see ET creatures in the Senate. There's a space pod race that looks like a video game.
  19. Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (New Trilogy)
    Anakin becomes Padme Amidala's bodyguard and then they fall in love which is against Jedi rules. There's a terrible love scene between Padme and Anakin where they roll around in the grass. It's just awful. Yoda has a spectacularly ridiculous fight with a Sith called Count Dooku and wins. Clones and droids fight each other.
  20. Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith (New Trilogy)
    Anakin succumbs to the dark side and joins Emperor Palpatine as his apprentice. He kills all the Jedi that he can find (expect for Yoda and Obi-Wan who go into hiding). He even kills the apprentices and the younglings! He's now EVIL! Nearly kills Padme too. She flees and goes into labor, gives birth to twins then dies because apparently she had no will to live. Twins are split up and put into hiding. The Sith have won!
  21. Episode 4: A New Hope (Original Trilogy - in the theater this was just called Star Wars when it was released in 1977)
    The Empire, ruled by Darth Vader and Darth Sidious construct this giant moon shaped contraption called The Death Star that can blow up a planet. Luke Skywalker (one of the twins) learns he has some of The Force in him from Old Ben, the crazy hermit guy that is actual Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Jedi in hiding, watching over him. Princess Leia (the other twin) is captured but Luke rescues her. They don't know they are siblings and kiss. The Rebels, lead by Luke, blow up the Death Star.
  22. Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back (Original Trilogy)
    Luke trains some more as a Jedi by Yoda on a swamp planet. Han Solo gets captured by Boba Fett. Luke fights Vader and gets his hand cut off and learns that Vader is his father.
  23. Episode 6: Return of the Jedi (Original Trilogy)
    The gang rescue Han Solo with an elaborate plan that gets Leia captured and forced into a gold bikini. They rescue Leia and kill off fan favorite Boba Fett. The Empire build ANOTHER Death Star and oppress a planet full of cute teddy bear creatures called Ewoks. Luke and Vader fight in front of Emperor Palpatine and the Emperor shoots evil lightning from his fingers at Luke. With Luke nearly dead, Vader's paternal instincts kick in and he kills the Emperor. Then he dies.
  24. And that's about it. Any questions?