Things Gay Culture Lied to ME About
San Francisco Gay Pride is this weekend! Here are a few lies I fell for as a young bright-eyed homosexual when I first came out. Learn from my mistakes young gays!
- 1.The sexy construction worker is rare.Damn you Village People.
- 2.8 inches apparently is only really 6 inches.Don't be fooled.
- 3.Guys don't usually keep their athletic socks on during sex.Oh gay porn from the 90s. How you misled me.
- 4.Not every gay guy dresses well.Unless the denim shorts and Timberland boots alphet I saw a guy wearing in the Castro has come back into style when I wasn't looking?!? (If so, I may cry. Also I will become the gay guy that doesn't dress well then because I'm not investing in another pair of Timberland boots. Those suckers are uncomfortable.)
- 5.Gay fatJust because you don't have a six-pack doesn't make you gay fat. You are normal. At least I hope you are. Because if you're gay fat, then I'm totally just fat. And that's not right.
- 6.Your Hookup Website/Grindr nameCalling yourself "TotesMascHottieTop" totes makes me think you're a screaming nelly bottom. Not that there's anything wrong with that but really you should own it. Lean in to your bad bottom self.
- 7.LispingThis one is actually quite sad because I really don't know any gays that lisps. And I kind of wish I did. The closest thing I have to a friend with a lisp is a friend that owns and wears an ascot, the fashion equivalent to a lisp. I love this friend dearly.
- 8.Gay men have tons of sex. All the time. Constantly.Actually this one is totally true. I'm probably having sex right now as you read this.