Things Gay Culture Lied to ME About

San Francisco Gay Pride is this weekend! Here are a few lies I fell for as a young bright-eyed homosexual when I first came out. Learn from my mistakes young gays!
  1. 1.
    The sexy construction worker is rare.
    Damn you Village People.
  2. 2.
    8 inches apparently is only really 6 inches.
    Don't be fooled.
  3. 3.
    Guys don't usually keep their athletic socks on during sex.
    Oh gay porn from the 90s. How you misled me.
  4. 4.
    Not every gay guy dresses well.
    Unless the denim shorts and Timberland boots alphet I saw a guy wearing in the Castro has come back into style when I wasn't looking?!? (If so, I may cry. Also I will become the gay guy that doesn't dress well then because I'm not investing in another pair of Timberland boots. Those suckers are uncomfortable.)
  5. 5.
    Gay fat
    Just because you don't have a six-pack doesn't make you gay fat. You are normal. At least I hope you are. Because if you're gay fat, then I'm totally just fat. And that's not right.
  6. 6.
    Your Hookup Website/Grindr name
    Calling yourself "TotesMascHottieTop" totes makes me think you're a screaming nelly bottom. Not that there's anything wrong with that but really you should own it. Lean in to your bad bottom self.
  7. 7.
    Lisping
    This one is actually quite sad because I really don't know any gays that lisps. And I kind of wish I did. The closest thing I have to a friend with a lisp is a friend that owns and wears an ascot, the fashion equivalent to a lisp. I love this friend dearly.
  8. 8.
    Gay men have tons of sex. All the time. Constantly.
    Actually this one is totally true. I'm probably having sex right now as you read this.