QUICK N' DIRTY GUIDE TO THE STATE OF ARIZONA

I lived in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area from ages 10-17. I learned some things.
  1. Owning a Prius is considered a STRONG political statement.
    My family owned two Priuses and on Election Day in 2008 someone spit on our car. No Obama sticker necessary.
  2. Towels/gloves must be kept in cars during summer months to prevent scorched hand/butt skin.
    Car interiors become dangerous torture chambers from May to October.
  3. Never EVER honk at another car. People carry guns.
  4. You will be asked which church you attend. If you are an atheist, go with "Scottsdale Dream Center"
    This is an actual place by my old house and sounds just terrifying enough to get people to stop asking you questions about your religion.
  5. Similarly, never tell people you are an atheist.
    People will continually try to trick you into admitting there is a God and/or implying that you are a serial killer/sexual deviant/Democrat.
  6. The unofficial state motto is "Arizona: Where old people go to die".
    There are a lot of old people that flock here for the sun and the golf. It's a WASP's Florida.
  7. All plants and animals here are poisonous and likely trying to kill you.
    Everything has spines, venom, and reinforces the belief that humans were not meant to live here.
  8. You have not experienced true bliss until you've stood under misters on a 120 degree day.