All the things I wish I'd learned but never did ... and never will now that this list has provided false validation. *Crosses off each item slowly and with flourish.
  1. Learn Spanish
    Namely for watching Jane the Virgin and refining a killer Sophia Vergara impression.
  2. Learn physics
    You can't go wrong with basic knowledge of the workings of the universe. Also, I'd like to destroy all the young white male writers and their sci-fi/no-it's-not-like-The-Matrix-you-don't-get-it screenplays.
  3. Take dance classes
    The middle schooler in me yearns for the days of opaque tan tights, sweaty shoes that curl into rotten twists of leather, and homosexual instructors named Cecil that rocked the town of Lawton, Oklahoma with his patented "shampoo" dance move.
  4. Learn to play drums
    In lieu of therapy.
  5. Keep more lists
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    As if I could.