The Most Horrifying Way to Have Happy Birthday Sung to You

My 16th birthday. A true story.
  1. It was the morning of my 16th birthday and my grandmother and my mom offered to take me out for brunch.
  2. We went to an old favorite, our local diner, and sat down.
  3. A few minutes after ordering our food a large group of people filed into the diner and sat on all of the tables surrounding us
  4. Most of the people were very old
  5. They all wore black
  6. And some were crying
  7. Needless to say, it kind of killed the festive atmosphere I had hoped to have during a birthday brunch
  8. We quietly asked our waitress if we could move to another table.
  9. She pitied us, but said that there were no other free tables
  10. That was it then
  11. We were surrounded by geriatric mourners for the rest of our celebratory meal
  12. "It's not too bad" my grandmother said, trying to stay positive
  13. "We'll just eat quickly and leave" we agreed
  14. So as soon as our food came out we stopped conversing and got to the job of finishing our plates
  15. We had done it! All we needed now was the check and we could go somewhere with less depressing clientele!
  16. Our waitress was nowhere to be found
  17. Until
  18. "Oh no. I forgot" my grandmother said
  19. My mother and I shot her a confused look
  20. We didn't have time to ask her what she meant because it was then we saw our waitress
  21. She entered the mourner-filled dining room with all the other wait staff and a cake in her hand
  22. "HELLO EVERYBODY" she cheerily yelled
  23. "ITS SOMEONE'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!"
  24. My mom, grandmother, and I were trying to make *cut it out* gestures
  25. Like so ^
  26. But the waitress just looked at us and loudly whispered "Sorry! It's company policy!"
  27. She continued her show
  28. "ALRIGHTY EVERYONE SO WE ARE ALL GOING SING THE LUCKY BIRTHDAY GIRL THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG! I WANNA HEAR EVERYONE'S VOICES!"
  29. Nonononononononononononononono
  30. "ON THREE!"
  31. Please dear God take me now
  32. "ARE YOU READY!?"
  33. And then they sang
  34. Now, I don't know if you've every had a room full of crying elderly people sing to you
  35. But I can say from experience that even if the words they're singing to you are meant to be happy, it just sounds incredibly depressing
  36. So I sat there
  37. In the purgatory that was this rendition of the Happy Birthday song
  38. And willed it to be over
  39. And after the longest minute of my life it finally ended
  40. The room was filled with muffled sobs and clinking silverware
  41. Our waitress awkwardly made her way through the dining halls to give me the cake
  42. But before I could collect myself and ask for the bill one of the elderly mourners stopped crying long enough to throw her hands in the air and proclaim
  43. "IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!"
  44. ......
  45. ............
  46. "Check please"