I'm ancient, damnit. And as I grow older, Costanza-isms make more and more sense to me. Now bring me cakes.
  1. I know less about women than anyone on the planet.
  2. Boy you've really lost a lot of hair...THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL ME!
  3. A George divided against itself cannot stand.
  4. I thought you didn't believe in God?....I do for the bad things.
  5. I can't envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.
  6. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood.
  7. I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think, "that's why I'm not a heterosexual."
  8. If you take every accomplishment in my life and condense it down to one day...it looks decent.
  9. I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
  11. Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.
  12. I just can't believe the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of world do we live in?
  13. Pity is very underrated. I like it. It's good.
  14. I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care. When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
  15. This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
  16. If you can't say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.
  17. Ahh, what’s the point? When I like them, they don’t like me, when they like me, I don’t like them.
  18. God would never let me be happy. He'd kill me first.
  19. I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese. Just bite into it like it's an apple.
  20. I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  21. I have never been anyone's type.
  22. Probably because this whole universe is against me!
  23. I'm depressed, I'm disturbed, I'm inadequate! I've got it all!
  24. Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women.
  25. I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me up in the morning.
  26. I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm like a sexual camel.
  27. It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life-- be it something to wear, something to eat-- it's all been wrong.
  28. And one for good luck: HE'S BEBOPPIN' AND SCATTIN' AND I'M LOSING IT!