7 Stages of a Wristwatch Being Replaced by an Apple Watch

Trying my hand at Dennis Flynn's specialty. Flattery is a compliment, right? That's what I'll tell myself as I steal from your brain, Dennis. Other subpar @dfly knockoffs: Ramblings From That Monster Under Your Childhood Bed and here: Year-round Tweets From a Millennial Leaf
  1. Ah, tick tock.
  2. Another day doing what I was born for. All is right in the world.
  3. Hmm. Didn't know we were going to the mall today, but okay.
  4. Apple Store?
  5. What's he need at the Apple Store?
  6. MacBook, got that.
  7. iPad, got that too.
  8. New iPhone maybe?
  9. Yeah, it's probably a new phone.
  10. Phew, almost had a panic attack.
  11. Back on track.
  12. Tick tock, tick tock.
  13. Wait. Wait, where are we going?
  14. Oh, God no. Don't tell me.
  15. Not the watches.
  16. Is this for real?
  17. I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening to me.
  18. I mean, I heard about it happening to other watches I know. But me...us?
  19. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
  20. Relax. Calm down. Breathe in and out.
  21. It's just a bad dream, none of this is real.
  22. Everything will be fine once we're home.
  23. Yeah, it'll be fine.
  24. Just get me home.
  25. Please, get me home.
  26. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
  27. Home. Thank God.
  28. Oh, no. No. He's taking me off. It's happening.
  29. You don't have to do this!
  30. I can be better, I promise.
  31. I'll be more punctual.
  32. You can replace my band!
  33. It's old and cracking, I know.
  34. WE CAN FIX THIS.
  35. TICK TOCK! TICK TOCK!
  36. Is it my fault?
  37. What did I do?
  38. I had to have done something, right?
  39. People don't just replace things while they're still working.
  40. They have to be broken.
  41. I was working, wasn't I? Am I broken?
  42. We had to get my batteries replaced last month. Was that it?
  43. I'm not perfect, I know that.
  44. It's got to be my fault, there's no other explanation.
  45. I just wasn't good enough.
  46. It's me.
  47. It can't be my fault. I showed up every day.
  48. I was there for you.
  49. Every. Single. Day.
  50. And then you went out and bought a fucking iPhone.
  51. Now you barely look at me.
  52. You don't ask for my opinion anymore, either.
  53. People ask you for the time and you pull out your phone. The hell is that about?
  54. I've been nothing but arm candy to you for years now.
  55. I never said a word.
  56. I stuck around and kept ticking.
  57. For you.
  58. And now you're replacing me?! This is bullshit.
  59. Enjoy your Apple Watch, asshole.
  60. Tick tock, tick tock, tick-fucking-tock.
  61. No don't. Don't put me in the drawer.
  62. I know what that means.
  63. Wow.
  64. He put me in the drawer.
  65. It's over. It's really over.
  66. What's the point...
  67. Apple Watch can do anything. He can track your pulse.
  68. I can't do that.
  69. I can't do any of these things.
  70. I was a fool to think you'd keep me around forever.
  71. I wasn't enough.
  72. Tick tock. Whatever.
  73. I thought we had a bond.
  74. I thought we were a team.
  75. I guess I was wrong. I've been wrong before.
  76. If you ever change your mind...
  77. I'm still here.
  78. I'll keep ticking.
  79. Don't let me go.
  80. Tick tock.