Abilities I Wish I Could Put on My Resume

Inspired by @so_so_funny
  1. Ability to ignore my problems.
  2. Ability to always, without fail, want what I will never have.
    I'm really fucking good at this one.
  3. Knack for remembering useless information.
    Need someone to recall when you said you're allergic to cats 6 months ago? As long as it's not actually important, I'm your man!
  4. Unique ability to tweak my hamstring while reaching for socks that were on the floor.
    Did this this morning. What a catch I am.
  5. Ability to tweeze my own eyebrows and never mess up, except like once a year but no one ever seems to notice, so I guess it's fine then?
  6. Ability to relate anything to Seinfeld.
  7. Risk management.
    In order to manage risk, we must first understand risk.
  8. See what I did there @jaidub @BWN_7
  9. Ability to get a tonsil infection & mono days before my friend's wedding, of which I am a groomsman.
  10. Ability to make to-do lists, then throw them out and start over if there's even one small error/spelling mistake. Or maybe if I just don't like the way it looks.
    Time management, bitch.
  11. Ability to be aggressively unemployed.
  12. Hire me, you'll most certainly regret it.