Here's What Happens in Your Pantry Behind Closed Doors

  1. INT. PANTRY- DAY
  2. UNCLE BEN wakes peacefully to the sight of his adoring wife, AUNT JEMIMA, readying herself for work.
  3. UNCLE BEN: When you getting back?
  4. AUNT JEMIMA: Oh, normal time.
  5. UNCLE BEN: Yeah, you better save some of that sweet stuff for me, girl.
  6. Jemima laughs him off as the pantry door swings open and a large, clumsy hand grabs Jemima by the handle.
  7. AUNT JEMIMA: Bye, honey!
  8. The pantry door closes, leaving Ben to his castle. Hand down his grains, he surveys the land...
  9. ...finally spots a young looking number.
  10. UNCLE BEN (yelling to the other side of the pantry): Mhm, I see you shakin' those hips girl!
  11. He laughs to himself.
  12. The curvy figure turns toward Ben and reveals herself: MRS. BUTTERSWORTH, a younger, sexier, probably willing to do way more fun shit in bed, version of Jemima.
  13. UNCLE BEN: Why don't you hurry up and write your item number down before I don't want it no more.
  14. MRS. FIELDS: There he goes again.
  15. UNCLE BEN: Ay, mind your own damn business cookie lady.
  16. MRS. FIELDS: Was it my business last week when you THOUGHT I was asleep? You just had to stick your nasty finger all up in my chocolate chips. THAT was my business, wasn't it, Ben?
  17. QUAKER OATS: Fornication, adultery. Deplorable.
  18. UNCLE: Hey, shut the fuck up Quaker, no one asked you.
  19. Mrs. Fields earmuffs LITTLE DEBBIE from the crass language of the pantry.
  20. Mrs. Buttersworth, amused and a little turned on, struts her stuff past Ben.
  21. UNCLE BEN: Yeahhhh, you're just 24 fluid ounces of trouble aren't you?
  22. CHEF BOYARDEE: That's-a-one-a-spicy-a-meat-a-ball!
  23. MRS. FIELDS: For Christ's sake, Jim, give it up, you're from Pennsylvania.
  24. CHEF BOYARDEE: Why you gotta bust balls, Fields, huh?
  25. MRS. FIELDS: Your ravioli blow, that's why.
  26. QUAKER OATS: Fighting never solved a thing.
  27. CHEF BOYARDEE: Oh yeah, pump kids full of sugar, you're much better.
  28. NEWMAN'S OWN: Try Newman's Own. We only use the finest, all-natural ingredients!
  29. CHEF BOYARDEE: Go donate something, Paul.
  30. QUAKER OATS: Guys.
  31. MRS. FIELDS: At least my cookies don't taste like red sauce smothered asshole...
  32. QUAKER OATS: Guys, seriously.
  33. MRS. FIELDS (cont'd): Notice how I said "red sauce", not tomato sauce. Because it's not tomato sauce, Jim. It's just sauce that happens to be colored red.
  34. NEWMAN'S OWN: Try Newman's Own Marinara sauce! 100% after-tax profits go straight to charity!
  35. MRS. FIELDS (under her breath): God, this guy's the worst.
  36. CHEF BOYARDEE: Fuck you, Fields. How's that? Kiss my ravioli, red sauce ass.
  37. QUAKER OATS: GUYS!
  38. NEWMAN'S OWN: Try Newman's Own Hot & Spicy Fra Diavolo, if you want a little kick! 100% after-tax profits go straight to charity!
  39. MRS. FIELDS: WILL YOU SHUT UP, PAUL?!
  40. CHEF BOYARDEE: PIPE DOWN, NEWMAN.
  41. MRS. FIELDS: OH BLOW IT OUT YOUR CAN, "CHEF"!
  42. QUAKER OATS: Guys, they're having sex. Syrup and rice...it's everywhere.