If @leahg and I Were on Naked and Afraid

  1. She'd leave me within 24 hours at the first sight of a spider.
    Even though she's secretly Queen of the Arachnids, wielding her legion of eight-legged stepchildren across Chicago with little regard.
  2. I'd probably cry a lot at that point.
  3. I'd worry more about inconsequential things. Like if the crew likes me rather than food/water.
  4. 100% chance I scream "LOOK WHAT I HAVE CREATED! I.....HAVE MADE FIRE!" if I ever get a tiny blaze started.
  5. 100% chance I kick dirt on that small blaze during my idiotic celebration.
  6. 100% chance I get poison ivy in the last place you'd want poison ivy.
    Seriously what are these people doing for toilet paper. The river? But what if there's no body of water nearby? Random leaves?
  7. 100% chance I offer sexual favors to the crew in return for a sandwich.
  8. 100% chance they turn me down.
  9. I get depressed and down on myself.
  10. I stop looking for food.
  11. I don't search for water.
  12. I envy the crew for having a job.
  13. I fling poo at the crew for having a job.
  14. I embarrass myself.
  15. I embarrass my family.
  16. I embarrass my friends.
  17. I embarrass the great state of New Jersey.
  18. I embarrass the monkeys in the trees laughing at my incompetence.
  19. I see you up there.
  20. Having a grand ol' time.
  21. Laugh it up, clowns.
  22. LOOK AT ME MONKEY.
  23. I wonder if my butt looks good on TV.
  24. I start doing squats to improve butt aesthetic.
  25. I become severely dehydrated.
  26. I collapse.
  27. Monkeys take mercy on me.
  28. Carry me back to their monkey house.
  29. Nurse me back to health.
  30. Once strong, they force me to put on endless shows for them like a court jester.
  31. Dance, human, dance.
  32. I develop Stockholm syndrome.
  33. My captors become my friends, my family.
  34. I learn their language.
  35. I scheme with the lower-level foot soldiers to overthrow my captor.
  36. You didn't really think I developed Stockholm syndrome did you?
  37. Don't be an idiot.
  38. We overthrow the leader.
  39. I usurp the crown.
  40. I'm so excited.
  41. I'm so excited.
  42. I'm about to lose control.
  43. 🎤 and I think I like it. 🎤
  44. The power goes to my head.
  45. I become King Monkey.
  46. A young, strapping monkey tries to step.
  47. Prison rules— confront the biggest and baddest to assert your dominance.
  48. Using trickery, I easily outsmart him.
  49. And put him in his place.
  50. I have a college degree.
  51. And he's a monkey.
  52. C'mon.
  53. I holler to the heavens, daring the other monkeys to step.
  54. Cameraman tries talking some sense into me.
  55. Blinded by rage, I murder him.
  56. A giant, deadly spider with a penchant for petite house spiders hitches a ride in the cameraman's casket back to the US.
  57. Deadly spider falls madly in love with common house spider.
  58. They mate.
  59. Their offspring carry out the plot of Arachnophobia.
  60. With the the help of John Goodman, Jeff Daniels saves the day.
  61. And goes on to somehow win an Emmy for The Newsroom over the likes of Bryan Cranston and Jon Hamm.
  62. I revel in the fact that I've lost 24 pounds and increased my primitive survival rating from 5.4 to 5.9.
  63. It wasn't worth it.
  64. This is all your fault @LeahG