A knockoff of @madeline and her brilliance, hope you don't mind. Also, I'm a terrible person. No one read this.
  1. The Immaculate Conception
    God sends his hype man Gabriel to tell Mary she'll be preggers for a while. No worries though, it's totally legit, the Holy Spirit said he'd take care of it. Joseph throws shade.
  2. The Birth
    Mary thinks a manger birth is basic, so she ditches it for a more natural water birth.
  3. The Baptism
    Fast forward thirty years— John the Baptist aka DJ Bapz aka Johnny Raindrops immerses Jesus in kale juice and is all like "Damn fam, Jesus da Gawd!"
  4. The Fast
    Everyone's hitting him up, Jesus can't deal. He retreats to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights to binge read scrolls. On day 20, he reaches one that says "Are you still reading this scroll? Continue reading?" He does, obviously.
  5. The Temptation of Christ
    The Devil appears and tempts Christ three times during the fast. First with mimosas. Then with an iced pumpkin spice latte in a Mason Jar. In a last ditch effort, Satan tempts Jesus with an unlimited supply of California Rolls.
  6. Jesus Assembles the 12 Disciples
    JC to his new clique ⬆️
  7. Sermon on the Mount
    Jesus treats the team to a company retreat in the mountains for a private TED Talk on prayer.
  8. The Wedding at Cana
    Jesus and co. get lit at a wedding until the open bar dries up. JC grabs water and turns it into rosé. Joy ensues. Judas sulks in the corner like smh I don't fucks with all this. #GoingToTheChapelCanaGetMarried🎤
  9. The Pharisees Accuse Christ of Having Satanic Powers
    "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain"- Jesus to his disciples in a really over-the-top raspy voice.
  10. The Transfiguration
    A mysterious cloud appears before Jesus and his disciples. The Voice of God echoes from it, proclaiming "This is my son, believe in him." The original cloud that can't be explained.
  11. The Last Supper
    Jesus treats his boys to one last dinner. After the meal, he puts them on blast and reveals he knows someone snitched. He orders another bottle of wine. A pregnant pause...."let's split the bill."
  12. The Betrayal
    Jesus is arrested during a peaceful prayer sesh. Arrested. For doing absolutely nothing wrong. Shocker. All the disciples are stunned until Judas turns to Jesus and is all like "deuces✌️."
  13. The Trial and Crucifixion
    The Disciples ghost hard. Pete tries to break homie out of jail, until he sees the guards escorting Jesus to trial with that played-out crown of thorns filter on his head.
  14. The Resurrection
    Three days after death, Jesus is quite literally woke.
  15. And immediately slides into Mary Magdalene's DMs.
  16. Knowing the end is near, Jesus asks the disciples to humble brag about him to the masses.
  17. He daps them up for having his back, looks up and says "Beam me up, Goddy."
  18. I'm surely destined for hell.