In response to @clairewentthere and her list: WELL TODAY WAS WEIRD. The truth is out there, Claire. And here, in this list. Behold!
  1. 7:15am— I stand outside your home, eating my usual pre-shenanigans meal of beefy macaroni. I discard the packaging in the cul de sac because I have no respect for the littering laws of Georgia. I'm a bad man.
  2. 7:30am— I cut a circle in the Deluxe household skylight, lowering myself down on a line like a cat burglar. I lack grace and fall loudly.
  3. 7:40am— I sneak into the master bedroom and throw a box of Flintstones bandaids at Mr. D.
    I spin move outta there before he wakes up.
  4. 7:45am— I steal the Deluxe family carafe. If I can't have coffee, no one can.
    I have no soul.
  5. 8:00am— I replace all of your left shoes with similar looking shoes of the same color, so you doesn't notice until it's too late, you see. The discomfort this will bring gives me great joy. Like the joker, I'm an agent of chaos.
  6. 9:30am— I have no idea why your dad texted you that weird thing.
    Wish I thought of it though...brilliant.
  7. 1:15pm— I pay the yoga instructor to play that creepy sound byte. I pay the rest of the class to pretend they didn't hear it. I moonwalk out of the room, but again—I lack grace. I stumble and leave awkwardly, failing to do Michael Jackson justice. Guy with man-bun laughs at me.
    I have last laugh because man-bun.
  8. 1:30pm— I go to the ATM. Trickery is expensive.
  9. 2:45pm— I plant three dead snake carcasses in your friend's mesh thingie. Idk it just seemed like something that would add to the general weirdness of the day. Don't overthink things, Claire.
  10. 4:30pm— Nobody in line at Starbucks isn't normal, this most likely IS the work of a cult. Barista repeating order correctly could lend itself to a twilight zone situation.
    Worth looking into, imo.
  11. 5:30pm— I knew you'd be tuckered out from yoga and snakes, so I arranged for a swarm of mosquitos to terrorize you in your car as you slept. It was a package deal along with a pack of baseball cards from 1982.
    You'd be surprised what you can buy at a flea market.
  12. 5:45pm— During your slumber I bribed your kid to say "can you buy me a sticky bra" at 9pm. She took the money no questions asked. She made my bribe experience completely quick and painless. Would totally recommend to a friend.
    Good thing I went to the ATM.
  13. 7:30pm— That man was me and I simply wanted to offer my leftover homemade mystery meat. So inconsiderate.
    You try to be nice to people...
  14. 9:00pm— Kid carries out sticky bra plan flawlessly. Good job, kid.
  15. 10:45pm— Cleavage chocolate is all you, Claire. But damnit if I don't respect it.
  16. There was no discernible point to any of this. Some men just want to watch the cleavage chocolate melt.