HOW TO DEEP-FRY A TURKEY

I assume no liability for anything that may happen to you if you attempt this. But this is the way I've been doing it for over a decade and no injuries/damage yet. #thanksgiving
  1. Get a turkey, about 15-18 lbs
  2. Get a giant stockpot that is twice the height of the turkey, when the turkey is stood up in the bottom
  3. Put the wrapped turkey in the pot and cover it with water at least four inches higher than the height of the turkey
  4. Remove the turkey and NOTE THE WATER LEVEL. Mark this level on the outside of the pot with a black sharpie. VERY IMPORTANT (Thanks, Archimedes!!)
  5. Dump out the water in some sustainable way
  6. Dry the pot thoroughly
  7. Season turkey and refrigerate overnight. There are a lot of existing Cajun kits for this, or you can just mix butter and seasoned salt and inject it into the fleshy parts of the bird with a kitchen syringe
  8. The next day, fill pot with peanut oil, ONLY up to the level you marked with the sharpie. If anyone is allergic to peanuts, instead use a high heat deep fry oil blend from the Cash and Carry, or whatever restaurant supply store is near you.
  9. Find a place to set up that is non flammable (no wooden decks or anything overhead) Fire up a large propane burner (like a big camp stove) and put the pot on. (Make sure you have a full tank first!)
  10. Use a long stem deep fry thermometer to track the temperature. When it is about 375, it is time to put the turkey in.
  11. YOU CANNOT JUST DUMP IN THE TURKEY. Boiling hot oil will go everywhere and can catch fire. Instead, rig up a broomstick with a chain hanging from the center point, and a big S-hook at the end of the chain jammed into the turkey, so that a person can stand on each end of the broomstick and slowly dip the turkey into the oil, together.
  12. The oil will bubble up like furious. Raise the turkey up, wait for the bubbling to subside, then slowly dip again, a little more this time.
  13. Keep raising and dipping until you can safely lower the whole thing in
  14. When you can get the whole thing in without overbubbling, thread the broomstick off the chain
  15. Observe temperature; it will drop dramatically due to the cold turkey but rise again, adjust flame to keep as close to 350-375 as possible
  16. Fry for 5 minutes for every pound of turkey. A 15lb bird should be done in 75 min. SO FAST
  17. Prep a platter to put a hot drippy deep fried bird on
  18. When time is up, thread the broomstick back though the chain contraption and raise the turkey out (with your turkey lifting partner) and place it on your turkey platter
  19. Cover with foil and let rest for 10 min.
  20. Take temp and ensure all parts are >165deg F if not, finish in the oven
  21. Don't waste that oil! While the oil is still going, deep fry a few whole chickens in the same way, wrap and freeze for later. So freakin' good
  22. Change your outfit because you smell like deep fryer
  23. Carve the turkey for your amazed and impressed guests
  24. Once cooled down, take the oil to your local biofuel depot or other authorized disposal place
  25. (If the oil does catch fire BY GOD DO NOT PUT WATER ON IT. Instead, immediately turn off the propane and throw a metal cover over the top of the pot to deprive the fire of oxygen.)