SKILLS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE LINKEDIN PROFILE

  1. Can eat an entire full-sized baguette in one sitting
  2. Birthing babies without pain medication in under 2 hours
  3. Making devastatingly strong jello shots
    It's a function of temperature vs. evaporation.
  4. Multiple accents - can do NYC, Texan, Cockney, flavorless Oregonian, or Filipino Mom on demand
  5. Plant assassin
    Any plant in my possession will die within 48 hours. If Earth is ever invaded by plant based aliens, just put me in charge. Done.
  6. Creating crappy jokes where you insert a celebrity name into a phrase such as "Don't be so Tom Petty," or "I'm feeling pretty Merle Haggard after that last presentation"
  7. also related: Bilingual puns - e.g., "this French perfumed candle is so bougie" or "a Russian dude threatened to push me out a window and I said в окно!"