Childless Mother? (the Hardest Post I'll Ever Write)

This is most definitely the hardest post I'll ever write. Especially since most everyone I know doesn't know anything about this, but here we go...
  1. I'm at an age where everyone expects you to have kids.
  2. I haven't married yet.
  3. I didn't take the path that seems to have been set by societal norms.
    College. 9-5 Job. Married. Baby.
  4. I was hardheaded and wanted to take my own path, but also, some of those things just didn't happen because circumstances weren't right.
    I didn't complete the last two pieces of the "normal" puzzle.
  5. I was in relationships that didn't lead to marriage (really happy about that now).
  6. Then there's the last part.
  7. The hardest part.
  8. I never dreamt about having kids. In the back of my head I just assumed it would happen at some point because THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE DOES.
  9. If all the stars had aligned, I'd be the mother of an 11 year old and a 5 month old.
  10. But things don't always happen how you think they're going to.
  11. Maybe it's for the best? Who knows. No one can really answer that... And it's still something I ask myself.
    Is it not in the cards for me? Is it not meant to be?
  12. I don't have children here, ones to hold and take care of. But I do have the memories of the time when it was going to happen. The initially scary idea that slowly grew between us as each week passed to where it wasn't quite as scary anymore.
  13. And then it was over before it began.
  14. All I know is it leaves you in this awkward vortex without the words to really describe it or define it.
  15. I'm not desperate to have a child but I've gotten to the place where I think I want one. Where I feel like I could possible be ready for one. But now I find myself without a partner again (my choice) and right back to square one.
  16. To being a childless mother.
    Is that even the correct term to call it?
  17. \\\\\
  18. [And now I'm going to throw up.]
  19. UPDATE: First, let me say, I never ever planned to tell this story publicly. I also never thought anyone would read it. Naive maybe. Also never in a million years would I ever imagine such an outpouring of love from strangers. The kindness and love you all have shown me has been overwhelming. I truly appreciate it.
    So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.