This year I'd have to say I've had my darkest times. There have been plenty of other dark moments, but 2015 brought some of the most brutal ones that made even just getting out of bed feel like the impossible at times. I slowly feel myself coming out of the fog that's been blanketing me.
  1. The sadness and overwhelm still come up, but it's no longer all day, every day. There are still times where it feels hard to even breathe, where the sadness is quite physical. But now, it's passing instead of being all-consuming.
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  3. Circumstances slowly built while depression and anxiety started to tiptoe back in, both of which I've managed to keep somewhat at bay for several years now. The nature of the beast is that it can swoop back in at any moment.
    And it did and it was dark. The darkest it's ever been.
  4. For the first time in my life, there were times I wanted to give up. When you're in it, you tend to isolate yourself and that's what I've done, which leads to heartbreaking loneliness and crippling sadness.
    Most of my friends in real life don't struggle with depression and anxiety. Plus, no one really knows all that's gone on this year. I tend to keep it all in anyway.
  5. In those moments you tend to grasp for something, anything you can that will help you hold on for just another second, until those seconds become a minute, and a minute becomes 5 and 5 becomes 10, and so on.
    Sometimes it truly is a struggle holding on for a single second and it can feel like an eternity.
  6. There were a few things I reached for in hopes of holding on and I'm grateful.
    Some things worked and others didn't. These are what had me hanging on.
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  8. Thank you to Kristen & TM
    After thinking about learning transcendental meditation for about 10 years, I heard a friend's husband talking about it on the radio. I reached out to her and asked her about it and she insisted that I go. She knew I was struggling and thought it would help. She set the entire thing up and all I had to do was show up in LA for it and learn from her teacher. I went in with an open mind but no expectations and I left with something that changed my life. That was December of 2014.
  9. I don't think I could have coped this year without it. Plus, the David Lynch Foundation community is pretty incredible and welcoming.
    Everyone involved, no matter who they are, is welcoming and it feels like everyone's on a level playing field. It's rare that this happens, especially in LA.
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  11. Thank you to J for music and a little peace of mind
    For some reason you showed up in my life when you did. You brought me back to music when I was feeling disillusioned with it. Music is what's always been my outlet and I'd started to let that go. You lit the spark that made me turn it on & listen again with a different set of ears just when I was ready to give up. Not only that, you brought me to music I wasn't listening to before & it's music that's kicked me in the heart leaving a forever mark in the best possible way.
  12. I'm sure you'll never see this, but I'm thanking you anyway because you helped save me in probably the biggest way.
    It's hard to say and admit, but I don't think I'd be here without you.
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  14. Thank you for the ability to let go
    You can't please everyone and you can't make everyone like you, but it's my nature to try. It's something I've had to remember to let go of because it's what I can't control. I've gotten to the age and realization that it's okay for not everyone to like you and even when they don't, I'm going to be okay.
  15. Letting go is incredibly freeing and lifts a massive burden off of my shoulders that can oftentimes haunt me.
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  17. Thank you to H
    You pulled me back when I didn't want to be. You let me fall apart when I needed to and you were always there even when it was hard for you. You have your own struggles but you really stepped it up this year to be there for me.
  18. I'll love you forever even though our time together won't be.
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  20. Thank you @list
    Never in a million years did I think I'd start opening up on a social media app filled with strangers. I slowly started creeping out of my tight lipped shell during Beta and kept going. I've shared more on this app with people I don't know than anyone in my real life, and while it feels incredibly strange, it also feels a bit freeing. Thank you for being receptive and non-judgmental. And thanks to the men in charge for making it happen and for setting the high standards. You're one in a million.
  21. I'm more leery now that there are so many people and some of the originals have fallen off a bit, but I still have love for you and I'm grateful. Thanks for listening, being kind, and letting me vent to you all when I couldn't with people in my real life. You all are pretty great.
  22. I also never would have imagined that any of these online friendships would translate into the real world, but they have and it makes me happy.
  23. What a strange, peculiar world this is and who could have imagined this little idea that two people had would bring us all together the way it did? Without it, I wouldn't know any of you and none of us would have this space to communicate.
  24. EDIT: I've had food poisoning since last night and being sick makes me all emo, which is why I decided to go ahead and publish this. Xo