When a Little Perspective Kicks You in the Ass

I'm going to try to keep this shorter than it is butI'm hoping it still makes sense...
  1. I've cried a lot of tears for myself the last 3 weeks.
    I've written and re-written a list at least 12 times to explain this. I finally wrote about it on my blog but I've kept it private. It might show up here in time. Needless to say, my world was kinda rocked recently. I've only told 2 people - ex/not ex and one person here by accident.
  2. I flew in last last night and stayed in the studio till about 7am this morning. I showered, changed, and went to my ex boyfriend's mother's funeral today.
    Deliriously tired to boot.
  3. I went to the funeral knowing it was going to be a spectacle of the past - old band members, old friends, etc.
    And I hated myself for feeling anxious about seeing all these people again. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
  4. All these years later, I still get asked about him wherever I go. People asking about how he is, what he's up to, if we still talk, etc.
    It's super fun constantly being reminded of your past because everyone knows who he is.
  5. He was my one. My person that I gave it all to and that I loved fiercely. He's the one that broke my heart into a million pieces. He's the one that it took years to get over.
    He's the first one from here: Childless Mother - Childless Mother? (the Hardest Post I'll Ever Write)
  6. I wasted a few years hating him until I got to a point where I could look at my part in the relationship. I owned my decisions and from that point on I forgave him and myself.
    We were always friends throughout that time but I secretly resented him. It was a relief to finally let it go. He's still one of my closest friends.
  7. He's a great guy, just not a great boyfriend.
  8. I still love him and he loves me and we're forever tied. We went through a ton and we both learned a lot from it.
  9. We'll always be connected. We realized it day 1 that we had a connection that couldn't be defined or explained and it will always be there. For a lifetime.
    I knew the second I shook his hand that my life was going to change.
  10. Our roots will always be woven on some level but only in the best way.
  11. I was sitting with friends in the church thinking about how I haven't stepped inside a church in a long time and about how much I sinned this past weekend and all the time. I kept looking for ⚡️⚡️.
    Still thinking about myself and how I just want to escape and numb out.
  12. I've been stuck in my head the last 3 weeks big time.
    And I felt like an asshole for having all these feelings, especially right now, in that moment when he's hurting.
  13. The more I listened to the 2+ hour service, the more I took things in.
    And he more I was coming out of my head.
  14. Hearing everyone speak about this woman brought everyone to tears, including me.
    She was a trailblazer fighting racism and segregation in NC long before anyone was doing so and fought to become an elected official before women did that kind of thing. She pushed the boundaries to make things better for all women. She rocked so many boats and has left an awe-inspiring legacy in the community and state that will never be forgotten. She never stopped giving, working, and trying to make change until her last breath.
  15. It was all a good reminder that we've only got today to make it happen.
    It's not worth it to always drag our past around with us.
  16. I left there wanting to be better, do more, and to keep trying.
    That's all she ever did.
  17. That's all we can do.
    It's still a process and I have a ways to go but I needed this.
  18. Tomorrow on "Giving Tuesday" I'm going to donate money in her name to Planned Parenthood and to a Veteran's organization because we're never doing enough for them.
  19. Thanks for the wake up call, C. You will always be remembered for the work you did and the heart that drove it.
    And thank you for your son.