Best Mitch Hedberg lines

if you don't know he is a comedian with great observations. The funniest part is the delivery.
  1. I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.
  2. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down
  3. I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!
  4. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them
  5. I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank
  6. I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long
  7. I asked directions to the store, this guy said, "Well that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." ... "Well that's not how I'm getting there... You got directions for those who are walking?
  8. I was downtown in some town and they had store, store, store, and then there was an open area, then they had more stores. It said in the open area "Coming soon: The Gap" I'm like "Fuck, man. It's coming soon and it's already here
  9.  I'm in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly," he says "Do I have to dial 9?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number
  10. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when people try to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying "Here, YOU throw this away.
  11. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when people try to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying "Here, YOU throw this away.
  12. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus... or a really cool opotamus?
  13. One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger
  14. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah
  15. I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience.
  16. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
  17. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.