ALL THE WEIRD THINGS ABOUT LONG ISLAND

Born & bred. And fled. ✌️
  1. There is no D in "vodka"
  2. There is sand in the roads literally NOWHERE near the beach
  3. Garlic knots are their own food group
  4. "Scumbag," "jackoff," and "dirtbag" sound like epithets when shouted (to be fair, everything sounds like an epithet when shouted on Long Island)
  5. Everyone's uncle went to high school with Billy Joel
  6. The straightest bros on Long Island look like the gayest men in Key West
  7. The gripe over changing trains at Jamaica is, like, VERY OBVIOUSLY RACIST
  8. Lots of people actively avoid beaches, the Hamptons and "the city" in spite of living in proximity to beaches, the Hamptons, and the city
  9. Women's fashion hasn't evolved beyond 1989-1999
  10. The most common age to move out of your parents' house averages somewhere between 30 and "Why would I move out?"
  11. It is surrounded by water and yet there is no surf culture
  12. Pepa (of Salt &) lives there! PEPA!!!
  13. No matter what your genetic makeup, you are PART ITALIAN
  14. Pronunciation of historically Native American towns like Ronkonkoma, Massapequa, and Wantagh are butchered by people who grew up there (and who, ironically enough, probably played lacrosse)
  15. In the Hamptons, you see celebrities. Everywhere else, you see the Long Island Medium
  16. For every person, there are two pizzerias
  17. WASPS are a novelty
  18. No one has ever been to California
  19. Men's athletic shorts can never be long enough
  20. The fictional part of Long Island where The Great Gatsby took place is now a TJ Maxx
  21. The general rules of attractive facial hair DO NOT APPLY
  22. It's still called Price Club
  23. The architect behind my high school also designed prisons
  24. "Chief" = "boss" = "big guy" = "bro"
  25. East of Stony Brook, there are no Jews until the Hamptons
  26. Gay mecca Fire Island is a short ferry trip from Islip, which is probably best known for guys in cargo shorts who think "fuckin' faggot" is a term of endearment
  27. Platform flip flops still a thing
  28. Long Island hosted a huge emo scene in the early aughts. And just because the music died doesn't mean there isn't still a functioning coffeehouse for leftover scenesters called The Witch's Brew
  29. Teresa is pronounced "Tree-suh"
  30. The local post-workout protein shake is EDM and steroids
  31. Natural blondes do not exist
  32. Instead of the typical "jock and cheerleader" caste system, adolescent popularity is dictated by mafia connections
  33. There is an airport that goes back and forth between Long Island and Ft. Lauderdale unofficially referred to as The Bagel Express
  34. Every dog and child is named Bella
  35. You can't be, like, "a normal person" on Long Island the way you can anywhere else. I don't know how else to explain it, but you just can't.