MY BEST QUALITIES

  1. My friend-picking ability
  2. My "go the fuck away" face
    When pretty much anyone tries to talk to me.
  3. I am from Hawaii
    Therefore in group introductions I always have to go last and prepare for a 30 minute follow-up conversation about Hawaii. I sometimes just lie.
  4. My bird phobia
    Ultimately it'll keep me safe, I see it as more of an advantage than anything.
  5. The fact that I'm a cat person
    This makes me relatively unique in my friend circle and helps us all practice tolerance.
  6. My procrastination skills
  7. My ability to recognize voices instantly
    This is more of a party trick.
  8. And finally, I am never ever a sloppy drunk.
    I am always able to keep it together until I'm in the privacy of my own home where I can fall and puke wherever I please without judgement.