CHAPTER TITLES FOR MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

  1. I was born in a Le Car (life explained)
  2. Rashes ARE forever
  3. A pack of joints, a liter of gin, and Woodstock 99
  4. Nervous breakdown #2
  5. The Home Depot years
  6. The hair metal years
  7. On loving alcoholics
  8. Another tour in 'Nam
  9. Chef Boyardee: engagement, elopement, annulment
  10. Three glass eyes are as good as one
  11. The Taco Bell years
  12. Cat scratch fever
  13. Slow boat to Tulsa
  14. The KB Toys years
  15. Accepting the nomination, rejecting my respiration
  16. A weekend in Havana with Pat Boone
  17. The Werther's years
  18. It was a wardrobe PALfunction
  19. I regret everything