Dont's About Going to Ikea That I Learned Today

  1. Don't go solo
    You have to leave your purchases at the curb and hope no one steals it while you go get your car to load them. Then you have to play helpless female in hopes that someone takes pity on you and helps you load the heavy shit.
  2. Don't go solo #2
    Shopping there alone in a sea of young couples planning their lives together highlights just how solo you are. And that you have been buying this same furniture for about 20 years now.
  3. Don't forget to hydrate
    That place is a war zone. Physically and emotionally strenuous. You will be totally parched by the time you get to the Marketplace, wonder why you thought only 1/4 Nalgene bottle was enough and start hallucinating in the lighting section.
  4. Don't buy the lamps with plastic shades
    They may be cute and definitely cheap but the plastic cracks after a couple of years. And then the masking tape holding the shades together automatically ghettos your apartment. This might be the reason why you had to go to IKEA today in the first place. Buy the ones with glass shades this time. Fool me once, shame on me...
  5. Don't promise your trainer you'll only have dessert once a week
    Because if you've already had your week's allotment, that frozen yogurt cone for $1 that everyone gets at checkout is off limits and you will want to hurt small animals after three hours in said war zone without a treat at the end.
  6. Don't be a vegetarian
    Those meatballs smell soooooo good.
  7. Don't fool yourself that you'll get out spending less than $300
    Something about that place makes you think you need to revamp EVERYTHING in your home. Go in needing a couple of lamps, leave with a Hemnes TV unit in white stain finish.