LIES I TELL MYSELF

On a regular basis.
  1. I'll still work out after one Bloody Mary
  2. I'll only watch 15 minutes of this show
  3. These jeans definitely shrunk in the dryer
  4. Watching a comedy special counts as work
  5. My 20's were productive even if I'm not sure how
  6. I don't need to put it in my calendar, I'll remember
  7. Sometimes you have to jump start your metabolism by eating lots of crap
  8. By the time I get married I'll be able to pay for everyone to fly on my private jet to a secluded island I've rented
  9. I'll just have 1 chip
  10. My car isn't old, it's vintage
  11. My dog will live forever