The day I failed at being an adult.

2 weeks ago, grown up and put together me had a very early 20's shit show me kind of day.
  1. I started the coffee pot with only grounds, no water.
  2. I fell down in the shower.
    Turned on water, put right leg in tub, right leg immediately went out from under me, ass went into tub, left leg stayed where it was on the outside of the shower, resulting in a very naked, splayed scene.
  3. Instead of getting up, I stayed put and turned the shower into a bath.
  4. Got dressed in a smart, professional outfit of white pants, silk blouse, and heels.*
  5. {*} Signifies normal adult things leading up to the supreme fails.
  6. I picked up clients for a work presentation.*
  7. Traipsed all over clients offices.*
  8. Accepted clients offer to drive and road in the backseat of his personal car.*
  9. Arrived at Military Base where presentation was held.*
  10. Traipsed all over said military base.*
  11. Gave my presentation to dozens of military men and women.*
  12. Sat down, giving my client the floor to present.*
  13. Crossed my legs.*
  14. Felt a giant lump in my right calf.
  15. Panicked internally.
  16. Quickly realized there was laundry in my pant leg and it wasn't a sock.
  17. It was a thong.
  18. Abandoned all pretenses of listening to my clients presentation while I obsessed on how I got here.
  19. Participated in a Q and A session where I looked at every person like this 😳.
  20. Excused myself to the restroom at the first possible opportunity.
  21. Ran Principal Rooney of Ferris Bueller's Day Off style to the restroom.
    (Why is there not a GIF of this?)
  22. Pulled down my pants, sat on the toilet, and fished out the clean, white, lace thong.
  23. Exhaled, thinking about all the places it could have fallen out before I found it.
  24. Like in front of my audience.
  25. Or in the backseat of my clients car.
    Seriously, I could have inadvertently ruined a marriage!
  26. Unclenched with relief, and peed.
  27. Realized I've made a huge mistake.
  28. Because in my hurry to pull down my pants, I realized I pulled down only my pants.
  29. And not the white thong I was currently wearing.
  30. TL;DR, I pissed myself in the bathroom of a major military base.
  31. I assessed my options, and realized the answer was in my hand.
  32. The clean white thong from my pant leg, obviously.
  33. I took off my pants, changed my underwear, got re-dressed, threw away the, ahem, used pair, and went back to the conference room with no one the wiser.
  34. Ended the program, left my clients at their office, and finally got home around 6:30pm.
  35. Immediately changed out of my work clothes and heels into sluff clothes.
  36. Got a call from my cousin to see if I wanted to go get a drink.
  37. Gave an emphatic FUCK YES, and told her I'd pick her up in 10 minutes.
  38. Picked her up.
  39. Drove to the bar.
  40. Parked.
  41. Got out of the car and started walking to the bar.
  42. Stopped in the middle of the parking lot.
  43. Looked at my cousin.
  44. Looked down.
  45. Looked at my cousin.
  46. Realized I was still wearing my bedroom slippers I had changed into.
  47. Decided this was pathetically the least of my fails, continued to the bar, rocked the bedroom slippers, and ordered a tumbler of whiskey.
  48. Went home, went to bed, and hoped for a fresh start in the morning.