A RECIPE FOR DISASTER

This is a traditional recipe for disaster. Due to its simple techniques and versatility, it's likely to be one that you revisit over and over again. Serves one, impacts many.
  1. Take a twinge of self doubt, accompanied by a small handful of redundancy, breakup or other miserable life event of your choice. Mix these by hand in a large bowl.
  2. Add more alcohol than you can handle - it doesn't matter what, although this recipe works particularly well with tequila.
  3. Allow the mixture to ferment in the corner of a club for about an hour, by which point it should be alternating between producing tears and body popping to Taylor Swift.
  4. Using a minimum of two friends, attempt to take the mixture home. It should start screaming something along the lines of "fuck you bitches you've never loved me" and "you don't know my life" - this is when you know the disaster is progressing well.
  5. With the tips of your fingers, quickly add mystery meat and excessive amounts of carbs.
  6. Melt the disaster over a low heat whilst listening to a Celine Dion megamix. Once it reaches a gloopy consistency, remove from heat and allow to rest for fifteen hours in a warm bed.
  7. As the disaster has now become sentient, be prepared for it to liberally sprinkle itself overnight with texts to its ex, an email to its former boss, urine, the destruction of all of the mirrors in the house, etc. This is the fun part! You can never be sure how it will turn out.
  8. Once you can fully see the havoc wreaked by the disaster, you can make a futile attempt at recovery but really, this type of disaster is best served cold the next day, with chunks of vomit and lashings of guilt and self loathing.