THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS THAT LEAD TO MY INTENSE FEAR OF HEINZ BAKED BEANS

  1. I was four
  2. I was a picky eater
  3. One night, my mum gave me a bowl of beans with grated cheese on top for tea. Cheesy beans. What could go wrong? Right? Seemingly nothing. Until
  4. I liked the cheesy beans.
  5. "Please may I have some more cheesy beans mummy?" I asked, having licked my bowl clean.
  6. All her christmases. I NEVER finished my dinner.
  7. She made me another bowl, liberally sprinkling cheese on top
  8. And another
  9. And another
  10. Just like to remind you at this point that I was a tiny four year old with no self control
  11. My dad came home to find me with bean juice dripping off my chin. IVE HAD TEN BOWLS OF BEANS DADDY, I screeched
  12. He looked over my head at my mum as if to say... Ten bowls? Really? And she shrugged back, all - don't you fucking judge me, you don't have to try and feed this monster every day
  13. So they take off my beanstained clothes and bathe me and put me to bed. Already though... Something has begun to shift inside of me
  14. It was the beans
  15. I got very hot
  16. I spent the entire night vomiting off the top of my bunkbed. I also took a shit in my bed, in case my mum was in any doubt about her decision to feed me ten bowls of beans
  17. All of the shit and all of the vomit was bright orange beans
  18. I have never been able to look at a bean since
  19. It's bean quite traumatic reliving this.